Saturday, May 06, 2006

Torn

Today I feel torn apart. Well, to be more precise, I feel like shit. That probably explains why I'm listening to Elton John - And all I ever needed was the one...It's like having a drink when you're feeling down, it keeps you company in your pain.
Tomorrow is the official ceremony that marks the end of my university. But to me it marks the beginning of my despair until I know what to do with my life. While I was studying, I could always pretend that I was busy, but now the real deal is starting. It also marks five years of...nothing, of wasting my life not being myself. Failure.
Obviously it's not just the cerimony that is putting me in this state - it's realizing that sooner or later my bubble will burst and I will have to take care of things like I should.
And for the first time, however hard this is for me, I'm not pretending here either. This was really cathartic.

16 comments:

kimananda said...

Catharsis is good. And parabens (or, perhaps I should say tillykke instead at this point) with getting through.

Maddy said...

nothing is wasted...it is hard
to know the value of anything
even bad luck...often for many
years...
i find you inspiring and bright
and creative and soulful!!!!

DayByDay4-2Day said...

The middle is the time we need to pour all of our faith into God. If we knew all the answers there would be no need for him. When we are in the beginning or the end we no what to expect, but the middle is scary.

Steve Awesome said...

Its good to be worried. It gives you drive and ambition to want to do soemthing. Now what you have to do is focus those energies. Talk to a lot of people who know about what you like and see if they can help.

Sometimes opportunity is closer than you realise

Chloe said...

you don't know where your path is going to take you. It is all going to make sense in retrospect but you have to walk on that path first. There is no shortcut.
Good luck friend and we are here for you as you are taking steps. xxx

Christopher said...

The unknowing always excites me.

Devil Mood said...

Kimananda: Thanks :) This catharsis was very good.

Maddy: I think nothing is wasted too, but sometimes I have doubts. Thank you for that beautiful compliment :)

Day: Yes, that sounds really true.

Steve: Good advice, very pratical! Thank you :)

Chloe: Thanks! I was listening to a song from Enya that says something like that: who can say where the road goes? only time :)

Chris: That's because you're a confident person :) Good for you!!

Scholiast said...

I feel for you.. Loved university myself, and would have been there still if I could have.. Still, working life hasn't turned out too bad :) I'm sure you'll find something worthwhile!

- And there's learning to be had everywhere!

Scholiast said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Scholiast said...

Incidentally, someone else is being torn here...

Cathy said...

Oh, don't feel so badly about such a great accomplishment! You can always continue on with higher education. xo

jackt said...

Hey just discovered your blog! Well, there's always grad school! :) But really, being a little bit on edge and hungry for direction or success is often a good thing. Mixed in with a dose of optimism, of course.

Devil Mood said...

Scholiast: lol lol lol That's such a great video! I laughed so hard :) I was thinking of that song when I decided to name the post torn. I'm sure there are good things about working life that I'll enjoy.

Cathy: Sure, I can do that and that's probably where I'm heading. I'll keep you as an example to follow :)

Jackt: Thanks for visiting! I think you're right: it's natural to be a bit lost sometimes but the optimism is really important! :)

Stephanie said...

Change is good, but a little bit (okay, a lot frightening) too. You're at a pretty major crossroads. On the bright side, you don't have to decide what to do with all of the rest of your life all at one time. It's just the beginning of the next part is all. I think that's kind of exciting :)

Devil Mood said...

Stephanie: It is exciting, there are so many possibilites...it's hard to know where to look for something special. I just need to be a little confident.

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