speaking of...

---Aquarius. I did a test on "What Philosophy do you follow?" and my result was Utilitarianism, which sounds awful but it's really nice. I came to the conclusion that it's completely Aquarian - the greater good!

How about you? Tell me!

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Utilitarianism Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number. “The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.” --Jeremy Bentham “Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.” --John Stuart Mill More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... --------------------------------------------------------------- Also, if you're interested in philosophy and religion, this is a really great quiz. Not only does it tell you what religion you should follow according to your beliefs but it also makes you think a lot about these issues. It links to great summaries of what each faith involves. It's great! Here. Another great quiz.

Springtime!

Can you feel it? I hope you can, especially if you've had a freezing grey Winter.
This is a busy time in terms of events: the Vernal Equinox today (aka Spring), tomorrow it's the Full Moon and Good Friday and then Easter. But today is a new beginning with the Equinox, we're entering Aries and that means the beginning of a new astrological year. I have a clear sense of deja-vu saying this, so I probably wrote exactly the same thing last year. It feels like yesterday but let's not go into that.

I wanted to post something colourful and I remembered this video, which Niall will certainly enjoy. It's one of my favourite Nineties pop videos.

"Confide in me" - are you that kind of person that people confide on? Do you find yourself constantly being told other people's secrets? To tell you the truth I'm not sure whether or not others confide in me! That must mean they don't. At least I don't remember anyone coming to me saying: "I HAVE to tell you something!!" or... "I've never told anyone about this before...". I believe it's a question of building trust and making other people feel comfortable, but there are some people who seem like secret-magnets. The kind of people you tell things to when you least expect, they seem to inspire some fundamental safety that makes us blurt out truths without thinking twice. Has this happened to you?

I don't know why, but suddenly I feel like asking questions. I'm enjoying the interactivity.

super duper

My synthetical, a bit detached and ironic, view from afar on the US Primaries.

So yesterday, the US had a Super Duper Tsunami Tuesday (you couldn't possibly make this up!) with primary elections in various states.

I've been paying moderate attention to this election. I'm obviously interested but I already was four years ago - look how nicely that went! pfff!

On the Republican side things seem to be decided in favour of McCain (isn't this a brand of fried potatoes?). Having nothing against his historical character or his conservative views, there's something about his body language that creeps me out. And when he opens his mouth (at least the bits that I've heard) he sounds worse than Bush. So I'm a little concerned about him.

On the Democrat side, things are as tight as ever and everyone's questioning which of these hypothesis is more groundbreaking: a woman in the White House? Or a black man in the White House?

First things first: the important thing is that one of them is elected President. The rest will come later.

As I was saying to Kimananda, I don't know enough about their politics to have a favourite between Clinton and Obama. People say they share very similar ideas. Clinton is probably more experienced as a politician, Obama more charismatic. It is very interesting to analyse whether people are more prejudiced about women or black people. From my point of view (for what's it's worth!), having a woman as President makes a bigger change. Obviously, black people have been segregated and abused for centuries, there's no denying that. But women have been disregarded and seen as the weaker sex FOREVER!

I'm not saying a bigger change would be better or that Clinton would be a better President, but I wonder if women are really different as politicians or if they simply become men when elected...

Christmas for everyone

Have you ever spent days and weeks trying to find the perfect present for someone who really doesn't need anything? I have!

Have you ever, in the midst of all the Christmas-presents-chocolates-presents! craze, wondered what's the point of it all when 2,7 billion people are living with under $2 a day? I have!

Have you ever wondered how you could compensate for some of the excesses you see around you by giving to the people and causes that really need it? I have!

So, this year, apart from the usual Christmas charity, I also intend to present people with charitable gifts. Yes, perfumes and chocolates and Christmas gifts are lovely and we should have them! We deserve them too, I'm not saying anything on the contrary. But, think about it, wouldn't it make your heart fuzzy-warm to know that someone gave money in your name to help people in need? I know I'd be happy.

Here's some websites where you can get these types of gifts:

- Charitable gifts on various causes

- Oxfam

- Ethical, environmental-friendly and charitable gifts for everyone!

- Lots of different options to give at Justgive.org

- UNICEF

- Care2 - charity and green living

- Amnesty International

Because the animals need your help and don't want socks for Christmas:

- IFAW site - to protect animals all year long

- Best Friends - you can sponsor a pet in need

- World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) - gifts to save the world

And when you want to give real gifts but with a percentage going for a right cause here's:

- The Greater Good site

- The iGive site

what I'm up to

I'm sitting at my desk, sipping green tea (it's burning my tongue) and working on my new project. It's not exactly new but it's still such a baby. I'm listening to Kruder & Dorfmeister and similar artists on last.fm because I can't deal with lyrics when I'm working.

I'm thinking that I don't know how to ask questions. I don't ask questions. You know how kids are always asking the most embarrassing questions to everyone? Well, I don't think I was ever like that. I must've been until I was about three. Then I guess I understood when questions got too uncomfortable to other people. It's not just the fact that I care about people's feelings (I'm not a saint). It's not a simple question of politeness or letting people have their space and their intimacy (although this is very important to me).

It's also my South Node in Sagittarius. I think I know everything! Deep down I don't feel the need to ask the questions because I think I know what people are going to answer. Even when I'm learning new things I can simply gather the general facts and believe I have all that is necessary. I don't need the details because I think I can get there through the general issues (I don't have Virgo, you see). I grasp the main themes, almost by intuition sometimes, even with a sense of inner recognition (because deep down I believe truth is ONE). I think: yeah, it makes sense that this must be this way, just as that is that way. The processes are the same, in all areas of knowledge. I'm being very abstract, I know, but that's Sagittarius for you. What I mean is that I think: if I know one thing, I can understand the rest because everything works the same way.

Duh! I miss a lot of details sometimes, I miss the really good bits. Because I don't ask, or I'm not curious enough - you see, the opposite of Sagittarius is Gemini and that's what I need to develop: I need to ask, I may be inconvenient sometimes but so is Al Gore (lol), but I need to listen to what people want to say to me. And this is good because it opens a lot of possibilities, a lot more new things to learn and that's what I really love to do.

virtues

I'm reading The Great Gatsby and I found this line very interesting:

Everyone suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

First of all, I thought it was interesting that everyone knows the deadly sins but the cardinal virtues are raely mentioned. Then I tried to find out what those cardinal virtues were: it seems they were four at first, but then turned into seven, so they could balance the deadly sins, I suppose. But none of them is honesty!! Justice isn't honesty, temperance isn't honesty, prudence isn't honesty and fortitude isn't honesty. And the other seven: chastity, abstinence, liberality, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. None of them is honesty.

So where did F. Scott Fitzgerald picked that from?

If I were to "suspect myself" of any of those, I'd pick honesty too, but it isn't on the list. What would you choose?

Know thyself*

I remember an episode back in high school. Someone came into our classroom and asked everyone to write in a piece of paper the personal quality they found most important. I can't remember why they wanted to know.

I thought about it and I wrote: "Self-knowledge". My classmates wrote things like Trust, Sense of Humour, Honesty. When I told them what I had written, they looked at me like I was out of my mind. "Self-knowledge? What good does that do? Is that a good thing?" Oriental philosophies weren't quite as broadcast as they are now.

Today I'm happy to look back and see that I haven't changed my opinion about that. Self-knowledge is the base for the construction of the persona/personality. You can't grow into a balanced, mature individual if you don't know yourself, you don't know your history, your experiences, how you react, what makes you tick and what doesn't. And how can you love yourself when you don't know who you're dealing with? And how can you live with yourself if you have no self-love? You can't.

*(Gnothi seauton - this was already written at the entrance of the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, Ancient Greece)

It is noticeable that I haven't been writing as much. I can't remember the last time I had an idea for a post, or anything interesting to tell you about. I'm not blaming it on lack of inspiration only. The fact is I've been feeling really down lately.
At the moment my life seems like a long dark tunnel, without any light in the end. I really don't see it going anywhere, except further down, until I finally reach rock bottom. I shouldn't be letting myself go this far but I don't feel like I have the strenght to pretend anymore, nor to lift myself up.
I should be taking one thing at the time, one day at the time but everything seems tangled in one big ball of mess. I've never been an optimist but right now I've reached the top of my game at looking at things grimly.
I've never talked about these troubles openly in the blog not because I don't trust or care about the people that read the posts. The truth is I don't talk about them with anyone, I'm that kind of person.
And I also don't want this to sound like I'm involving you in my sadness because ultimately I'm the only one that can really help myself. I'm only writing about this to unburden a little of this pressure I feel everyday, this weight over me, this guilt and this worthlessness.
I have purposefully disabled the comments for this post because this isn't a cry for help. I'm still the same person so don't treat me any differently, that's my point. See you later.

all aboard?

I read something on an astrology blog that made me think. It suggested that, due to some kind of planetary situation, this was the best of times to get rid of old myths we have about ourselves.

This is something that I've been thinking about lately when I came to the conclusion that much of my pessimism about my life has no logical reason to exist, especially not astrologically. I'm supposed to be an optimistic, joyful kind of person...so why do I, namely, look at any love interest as another opportunity to fail and get hurt?

Sometimes we have bad experiences in the past and that leads us to think that we will suffer again; other times people tell us (verbally or not) things about ourselves that we think are true, they tell us we're not good enough for something, that our goals are too high, that there is something deeply wrong or incapacitating in you; other times we just assume things about ourselves, while we compare ourselves to others, while we consult "specialists of the soul" that diagnose some kind of fault that we'll never get rid of.

And we drag these ideas into our daily lives, we see ourselves in the eyes of those people, or in our judging, critical eyes. We don't dare to test these ideas, we just try to get round them and avoid confrontation. We shift, we adapt.

The other day Mariel Hemingway talked in the Oprah show and she said something that struck a chord: she mentioned that for most of her life she felt miserable inside her own skin because there was always a voice inside of her that kept telling her "You're not skinny enough", "You're not pretty enough", "You're not talented enough", etc. Until one day she stopped and realized if there was someone in her life that kept telling her those things, she wouldn't want to be friends with that person, so she "decided" to discard that voice that always made her miserable. That sounds like a major breakthrough to me.

Incidentally yesterday on Oprah they were talking about that book that everyone went to buy (and a DVD too, I think) "The Secret" - I think that's marketing crap, self-help books are all the same but they mentioned interesting things, making me focus even more on these crystallized ideas. This is not new but I do believe that negative ideas attract more negativity, whilst thinking on the positive side, idealizing what you want will bring those things to you - this is not magical thinking - the truth is if you think about your wishes everyday, consistently, you will act to get them.

This is the time to shake these preconceptions off you and think positive - agreed? Every day is a new day and you can try again.

my afternoon

Summer is here today, in all its (hot) splendour.

Yesterday, I went downtown to the river again and met my friend, the Surfer Girl (she's not really a surfer, but she won't mind that I call her that because she was the one that told me about that song). It was warm but the river brought a soft breeze. There were a lot of tourists but they weren't loud and annoying, just curious and interested people. The locals also seemed to be in a good mood and there was a lot of people just sitting in the benches, looking at the river and the houses, enjoying the sun, sometimes talking to each other, others just quiet as a mouse.

We sat there too, appreciating the different individuals that paraded in front of us, from the shirtless-full-of-tattoos people to the Swedish tourists enjoying their beers. We had one of our insane conversations, while a couple sitting next to us was positively eavesdropping. But we had something else on our minds so we went home, had some bread and butter (of all the exotic things we could be eating, we ate bread and butter...but, really, is there anything else that always goes down so well?) and then we read the Tarot. Ah, shocking! You weren't expecting that, were you? Okay, maybe you were.

The Surfer Girl and me - she's not taller than me (!lol) but she was ahead. You can see how messy my hair is, I look like I have horns.

I never mentioned that I was studying the Tarot here but I've talked about it with some of you. I never thought this would be something that I'd be drawn too because I've always associated it with divination. Even though I've always been interested in Astrology that was another level for me because it involved the transits of planets that really exist and if the Moon cycles have an effect on Nature, why shouldn't the other planets have some effect on our lives? The Tarot cards work on a different level and I don't use them to predict the future but to help me think about things. They represent archetypes (v. Jung), which means that they are symbols of life experiences that we recognized because they belong to our unconscious inheritance, from past generations. They represent phases of our lives, experiences and actions that we have to go through to develop as human beings. The meanings behind them are so rich, I'd say they're infinite.

Not only is this extremely interesting for me to study (especially when they related the cards to mythology and astrology as well), but it's also a tool to help me think about things. It won't tell me what to do but it makes me see different sides to it and heaven knows I need some clarity in my cloudy thoughts. I never thought the readings would always make sense but, until now, they have done.

the baggage

"Many" years in the bag, only one of me

This week has been a roller-coaster of emotional memories.

I'm amazed at the amount of baggage someone with a fairly uneventful life can have. And I don't mean just the emotional baggage you carry to your relationships and your life (you do carry it, don't pretend you enter every experience like it's the first one you have), but also the baggage that means experience, not necessarily maturity, but certainly a huge amount of memories to look back at.

All of this came when I decided to dig up some people from my past and see what they were up to. I first remembered a boy from my school that I hadn't seen in a while and I ended up checking dozens of people, some I hadn't seen for almost 10 years, even though we live in the same city. It was surprising, painful at times, interesting. Even though I knew some of them weren't 14 year-olds anymore, I was amazed at how much everyone changed. I must've changed too, but I'm not sure I changed that much. Bigger faces, same distinctive traits, but it was a really odd experience altogether. Others belonged to a more recent past, but some of their lives were also tranformed in an amazing way.

As I was trying to remember things that had happened, I came across several blanks in my memory, which were very strange because I always thought of myself as having a great memory. My biggest weapon to rescue little details were the journals that I used to write, or even my diary and I'm sure that if I hadn't written these things many would be lost forever. There were people that were mentioned in those journals that I don't remember at all and that was freaky; imagine reading something like "I was at a café and talked to someone for most of the night" - the person's name isn't mentioned and there's no other registry of that person...and I don't remember anything! Who is this person?!Well, maybe I shouldn't have journals at all, that way I'd forget it and move on. (I'm kidding, I like the journals, most of them, at least.)

A trip down memory lane may seem a little useless, but in this case it wasn't that at all. This was very useful to me, to get some perspective over the people that I've come across, to understand their place in my life, to look at things without fear or rejection. I understood some of the cycles, some of the ups and downs, I recognized the beginning of some things and the ending of others - much like the Wheel of Fortune card in Tarot - most things in life are cyclical and temporary.

I felt like time had flown over me and the years gone by without a single warning. I wanted to get back to some things and leave others behind forever. I wanted to get in touch with some people that I'd left behind and let others be. Time is an amazing thing; an amazing teacher, as well, which doesn't mean I won't be making the same mistakes over and over again. Mr. Time, Cronos, or Saturn, whatever you want to call it. Will I ever learn what you want me to learn?

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

(Beatles - In my life - what else, really?)

all is...not so well

This may well be an unpopular post, but I've never been keen on popularity.
This is not a good day and I'll tell you why:

a) Nicholas Sarkozy has won the french elections. Thousands of people in the streets celebrating - all of them white and, most likely, wealthy, from what I could see on TV. I don't know much about him and his ideas - the pundits are saying he'll probably be softer as a President than he was as a candidate and I bloody well hope so. I know that he will put a stamp on immigration in France, which will probably be negative on all the foreign communities that live there, including the portuguese - and that's rich coming from someone that is an immigrant himself.

b) There was another (quite smaller) election in the portuguese island of Madeira, won by some kind of "democratic dictator" that has been ruling the island for almost 30 years. No good can come from such a long government, in any circumstance. But almost everyone loves him over there, so you can't argue with that. What you can argue with is the fact that all his opponents and their respective campaigns have been neglected and even impaired, in ways that may not be entirely democratic. Someone from the central government should check it out, everyone knows there must be some dodgy things going around there, but I suspect everyone in Lisbon is afraid of the mighty Alberto João.

c) Manchester United are the champions in England, after Chelsea drew with Arsenal. There's nothing wrong with that per se, I think Man Utd were a great team throughout the season, with a few ups and downs, but I've really enjoyed watching them play, particularly at the time when Larson was there, it was exciting all that attacking force! It was a bit ironic to watch how Ronaldo became enemy no.1 and then the most admired player...and after a while, the most hated man was Mourinho, particularly after he insulted...who? Ronaldo! Funny, it was funny.

So, in a week, Chelsea lost both the Champions' League and the Premiership. It wasn't surprising since their season has been a lot more shaky that the previous two. I understand why no-one would want to see Chelsea being champions again, their style of playing has been duller and duller throughout the seasons. Those long balls to Drogba...arghh, it's exasperating. Mourinho and attractive football don't often match but I wouldn't blame him (despite all of his infinite faults) for losing the quadruple. The injuries, particularly in the defense, but also Joe Cole and Robben...and a really limited squad for a team with such finantial capacity. And despite all of that, still the big Russian wouldn't get any player in January when it was obvious that they didn't have what it took to follow United. I was watching the match today and thinking that Mourinho must've been bitterly laughing inside when he saw that ludicrous penalty from Boulahrouz (it is said that he wasn't responsible for getting the player to Chelsea, but probably that guy Arnesend, or whatever...) - clearly he wasn't the man to substitute neither Terry nor Carvalho.

I don't know what will follow. It'll be hard for Mourinho to stay, either because they'll sack him and because he isn't the person to stay too long anywhere. People will be glad to see the back of them, but then will miss all the commotion. Some people are starting to talk about a curse that will never let Mourinho win the Champions' League with another team apart from Porto. (Meanwhile, and if you care, Porto are steadily heading for the second title in a row, but they're not doing any more than their duty).

And if I die today I'll be the HAPPY Phantom

And I'll go chasin' the nuns out in the yard

And I'll run naked through the streets without my mask on

And I will never need umbrellas in the rain

I'll wake up in strawberry fields every day

And the atrocities of school I can forgive

The HAPPY phantom has no right to bitch

Oo-ho the time is getting closer

Oo-ho time to be a ghost

Oo-ho every day we're getting closer

The sun is getting dim

Will I pay for who I've been?

(Tori Amos - the Happy Phantom)

The atrocities of school, the atrocities of classmates, the atrocities of nuns, the atrocities of family members...the secrets, the envy, the double-bind sentences, the learnt guilt...the heavy scars of a lost happiness, the experiences that mark us forever and will always be a part of who we are.

Today I cry for it all because it never goes away and with time you get to see it all in a new light.

*the image is a reference to the double-bind communication, it's a paradox. And it's also my hommage to a family therapist and psychologist Paul Watzlawick, who died last month - he used to say that it's impossible not to communicate in everything you do and don't (do).

**I'm just sad, nothing to worry about.

Challenge

Okay, I've got a question for you.
Imagine you were reading a magazine or a newspaper. It can be a general newspaper, a woman's magazine, a scientific magazine, whatever you want. Imagine there are articles or columns written by a psychologist there. What kind of issues/themes/subjects would you like the articles to address? And I mean ...anything!
You.Tell.Me!
:)

Superstition

When you believe in things that you don't understand,

Then you suffer,

Superstition ain't the way.

(Stevie Wonder - Superstition)

Stevie has a point. Friday, 13th today. Chamki has found out there is a special word for those who fear what may happen on this particular day (it's very strange - Paraskevidekatriaphobia - I'm sure there's an english word for it, but I can't be bothered to look for it).

I'm trying to think if I'm a woman of many superstitions. I don't think so. Well, maybe I am - I'm not comfortable walking beneath ladders, amongst broken mirrors...but I like black cats, even if they cross my path, I don't mind eating at a table with 13 individuals, Friday 13th is just like Saturday, 14th, except there's football on Saturday (lol), I don't have many good luck rituals.

It is something else that affects me and it's the Catholic mindset (Vesper has been talking about the effects of a religious upbringing and it made me think more about it), the so-called Catholic guilt. It's stupid and it works like a superstition. It comes from having nuns telling you that poverty is the ultimate happiness... as suffering is necessary for enlightenment, or that God is watching you and "He" (I resent the fact that God is called a "he", HA!) will punish you if you sin, lie, transgress, do anything except pray and help other people...

It's this kind of upbringing and brainwashing while you are young that leaves an unconscious mark that you can't ignore, even though you know it's all very silly. I'm not denying that living in a humble context can be the ultimate path to spiritual growth (if you wish to do so); but it's wrong to think so when you start feeling guilty for having more things than the strictly necessary. Why feel bad about being happy about material things? - we are material beings, it's only natural that we may become distracted by material things. As long as it doesn't cloud the important things in life, I don't think there's anything wrong in being mesmerized by a pair of shoes.

But the thing that really annoys me goes beyond that - it's when things are going well and you simply cannot accept the fact that they are fine. Is there something wrong in simply being happy? I don't understand why this happens to me and if it's completely related to the catholic upbringing...But it's as though feeling the flutter of happiness will jinx it, a permanent awareness that happiness doesn't last very long, which means something less good will happen soon. It's the ultimate apology of mediocracy - you're allowed to feel O.K., just don't feel *too good*, that's going too far.

Isn't this insane?