If

If I could speak your language the way you do, 

use and abuse the words the way you can, 

if I could dispose of the sounds, organize the music, arrange the sentences and construct poetry with the simple usage of your grammar,

then I would express the richness of feeling, 

the palette of spring tones that is now a mere black and white film,

I would describe tones of dusk and dawn,

sounds of the silvery night, 

landscapes of pure sensation.

I wouldn't feel so tied down in my way of speaking of this matter,

I would leave the symbolic and the allegoric behind,

I would write only of the tried and true,

embody the dream I thought was ethereal

and I would feel closer to you.

Image from stock.xchng

Venus as the muse - Venus in Leo

Venus of Urbino by Titian

I'm continuing my Venus as the Muse investigation with the 2nd Fire sign, Leo. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here's the introductory post.

What do Madonna, Fiona Apple, Tori Amos and Amy Winehouse have in common? They're all on my music shelf, they're all unconventional (to say the least) and they all have Venus in Leo.

Being a Fire sign, Venus in Leo shares some things with the Venus in Aries we've seen before; namely, the enthusiasm, a certain naivety of feelings because inside lives a child, the mythical view of Love and the disregard for material limitations. So again we find lyrics about how love is a fairy tale:

If the land of make believe is inside your heart, it will never leave/ There's a golden gate where the fairies all wait and dancing moons, for you (Madonna in Dear Jessie)

In the mist there she rides and castles are burning in my heart (Tori Amos in Girl)

And again we see that there is a deep idealization of what Love should be. First comes the ideal, then the rest, as Fiona Apple puts it - I'll idealize, then realize...or Amy Winehouse I drift off, I fantasize...

For Venus in Leo, Love must be Grand, Unique, Once in a Lifetime, Never done before, hence why Madonna sings:

Romeo and Juliet, they never felt this way, I bet. - in Cherish, co-written with Patrick Leonard.

We scream in cathedrals, Why can't it be beautiful? Why does it gotta be a sacrifice? asks Tori Amos in Iiieee. I know, Tori, it should be all red and fantastic all the time.

Leo is often regarded as an extravagant, flamboyant, the-sun-shines-on-me sign. In fact, it is associated with the Sun and the Sun symbolizes the Ego. Leo is accused of being self-centered, of being obsessed with themselves and that may be true - but is that necessarily bad? The truth is they're very self-conscious and they need to gain a clear understanding of who they are so they can be as confident as we expect them to be.

This quest for their true identity is done by expressing themselves, by creating something, so there is an extension of them to be admired and recognized by others. They need some ego-boosting from their loved-ones (I just need to be reassured, sings Fiona Apple), even if they already appear confident enough, don't forget.

As Madonna puts it in her all-Leo hit "Express Yourself" - What you need is a big strong hand, To lift you to your higher ground, Make you feel like a queen on a throne - Venus in Leo should be the King/Queen of the relationship. They are naturally so giving and generous that they only expect to be thanked and appreciated in return. As Amy Winehouse puts it - All I need is for my man to live up to his role.

Venus in Leo doesn't like the conventional, the ordinary...(Madonna says - I want more than just romance). They like feathers, candles, silk, magnificent scenarios; in their minds they do wear a crown on the top of their head. And a King/Queen is always proud because deep down they're very sensitive to what others think of them. Fiona Apple explains - I have never been so insulted in all my life, I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride. (in Sleep to Dream)

Or the Amy Winehouse confession - Although my pride is not easily disturbed... (in You Sent Me Flying).

KT Tunstall (also Venus in Leo, but Sun in Cancer) also says: I don't want to be second best, Don't want to stand in line, Don't want to fall behind.

Venus in Leo is very temperamental and dramatic in love and not what we would call easy-going. In fact, they're often regarded as troublemakers...Tori Amos starts the first song in her first solo album saying Every finger in the room is pointing at me, I wanna spit in their faces. Coincidentally, Fiona Apple's first song in her first album also says: This mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise.

To be fair, they enjoy being "bad" and they don't try to disguise this aspect of their character. Even the titles of the songs are clear enough: "Criminal", "Sullen Girl" (Fiona Apple); "You Know I'm No Good (Amy Winehouse); "Bad Girl" (Madonna).

Fiona Apple is a master in expressing her devilish side:

- 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up;

- You feed the beast within me

- I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win

Amy Winehouse isn't ignorant about hers neither:

- My destructive side has grown a mile

- Animal aggression is my downfall

We must give them credit for their constancy, nevertheless. Being a fixed sign makes them more prone to being faithful and committed to one relationship, as long as their partners are loyal and appreciative in return. On the other hand, they can be massively stubborn as well. Ah, and competition...beware! They can be ferocious towards competitors and sometimes the competitor is the other partner - Venus in Leo likes to dominate but in a healthy, honest way (if there's such a thing).

I wonder if the four women I mentioned would be in this list if it wasn't for the strong Virgo influence in their charts. What I mean is that often the Fire signs provide a lot of energy and enthusiasm but this isn't always directed into a coherent target. There is an enormous potential, particularly in the creative sense, but not always the necessary persistence to carry it through to an end - that's the Earth signs area. So the Virgo energy in these woman may have made the difference, as unfulfilled potential is offensive to any Virgo. They feel a duty to make the most of their capacities. Madonna and Tori Amos have both a Leo Sun, but Madonna has Moon, Ascendant, Mercury and Pluto in Virgo and Tori has also Mercury and the Midheaven in Virgo, as well and Uranus and Pluto.

Fiona Apple (Sun + Moon in Virgo) and Amy Winehouse (Sun + Mercury in Virgo) may attribute their "bad girl" label to this impetuous Venus in Leo, as they largely differ from other Virgoean singers (for instance, sweet Katie Melua, with Venus in Libra).

Where is your Venus?

Venus as the muse - Aries

Let's see if all this craze makes any sense on paper.

I shall start with the Fire signs (because they're the best - nooo, kidding!). Check here to see if you have Venus in Aries or other fire sign.

Having Venus in Fire signs (Aries, Leo or Sagittarius) brings a lot of enthusiasm, energy, idealism to our approach to love. Being very concerned with ideals, aiming very high, sights on the future and in fantasy, love is certainly not boring or stationed, but the material things may be disregarded. Venus in Fire probably forgets birthdays, doesn't buy you chocolates or help you with the laundry...but you're certainly a part of the most exhilarating fantasy that's going on on his/her mind.

On to Venus in Aries - as I've mentioned, the most popular result in my songwriters research. Funnily enough none of the 10 singers with this position has an Aries Sun (this is rare since Venus never goes 45º further from the Sun, which is sign and a half). Anyway, most of them are Pisces.

Venus in Aries is impulsive and has a hard time controlling its enthusiasm, so frequently they'll fall in love at first sight. Bob Marley recognized in his song "I don't wanna wait in vain for your love" - From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, girl, My heart says follow through.

Janet Jackson knows it all too well and so she sings (I can't believe I had to browse through J.Jackson's lyrics neither!): I'm scared to fall in love, Afraid to love so fast, 'Cause every time I fall in love, it seems to never last.

Hmmm...now why does that happen?

Jewel replies: There is this hunger, this restless inside of me / There's this feeling I thought I had to get going, got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here.

The truth is that Aries love needs a certain amount of agitation, change, challenge to keep the flame alive. Jewel probably felt trapped at some point. (Stina Nordenstam would say that even a little trouble is a good thing - "I guess it's true what my sister said, when it's all fine it is just a bore")

They like novelty, new experiences, so they'll be extremely enthusiastic while they're hunting a new love interest. In fact, we may even say that the thrill of the hunt is what they like most about love.

What happens when we love to hunt and like a challenge? We search for the unobtainable person! He/She is the one that we love the most, we can't have him/her but OH, if we did...And so they pine for someone they can't have.

Stina Nordenstam has the best description: I know that I can't have you I know that you'll never be mine I know that and that's why I choose you 'Cause this is real life

Stevie Wonder laments on his lovely song "My Cherie Amour" - In a cafe or sometimes on a crowded street I've been near you, but you never noticed me; You're the only one my heart beats for, How I wish that you were mine.

Janet Jackson has a song called He Doesn't Even Know That I'm Alive. The title says it all.

Chris Martin from Coldplay wrote Shiver about an unobtainable girl (word has is that is was about Natalie Imbruglia): So I look in your direction and you pay me no attention ... He goes on to say: From the moment I wake to the moment I sleep, I'll be there by your side just you try and stop me.

Aries is persistent, I'll give you that. Because they're driven by those idealistic views of love, love that conquers all. Like Jewel, who sings: Fill your lives with love and bravery and you shall lead a life uncommon.

(bravery being all about Aries; it's in fact a term used intensively by Jewel).

Do they get disappointed?

Well I wanted to touch what I saw with my eyes Don't try to reach the moon if you don't wanna realise (Stina N. again)

Yes, often. That's what J.Jackson was saying in the beginning, it never lasts. Well, it's not that bad, it can last, if the person recognizes the human behind their perfect love fantasy, aknowldges its faults and individuality. Easier said than done!

Most of the time, the man with Venus in Aries believes himself as the original Knight in shining armour and his romantic interest is a Lady, who surely, needs to be protected and rescued. Sometimes they are blind to the fact that the Lady doesn't want to be rescued, they are blind to the actual woman in front of them, fantasising about the Ideal Female.

Even Bob Marley felt for that idea of Courtly Love on No, Woman no Cry. He tells her not to cry and tries to reassure her - My feet is my only carriage And so I've got to push on through. But while I'm gone, everything's gonna be all right!

Chris Martin - But I promise you this, I’ll always look out for you, that’s what I’ll do.

But it's not just the men! Listen to Shakira (or don't, it's up to you): Castillos, princesas, que ironia, al fin al cabo fantasiasmi principe azul, mi poesia, no estaba lejos de mi vidayo presentia que tu vendrias, que te amaria hasta el finalyo tenia un mundo de ilusiones, en el que te guarde un lugar [Castles, princesses, the irony, in the end fantasies, My blue prince, my poetry, wasn't far from my life; I felt you would come, that I would love you to the end, I had a world of illusions, where I kept a place for you].

She seems pretty aware of what is going on with her heart.

Enya also has Venus in Aries and her songs are extremely romantic and resembling the courtly love of past centuries.

Venus in Aries adds a lot of independence and willfullness to women, she won't be submissive and will stamp her foot when things don't go her way, even though she might dream about being rescued by the Knight.

Do you have Venus in Aries? Does your loved One? What do you say?

Venus as the muse

The Birth of Venus ("Naissance de Venus") by W. Bouguereau

Here's a post I've been working on for days. It involved a lot of research, interpretation and...music listening. It's been exciting and very interesting and I sincerely hope you enjoy it too.

When two things are so good separately, we have to believe that they can be magical together, so I'm attempting to combine Music with Astrology in a post about Venus.

Astrologically, Venus represents the way we love and what we love (be it an activity or personal qualities). It is connected to romance, beauty, aesthetics and arts in general. Even though music in particular is often associated with Neptune, this isn't a personal planet, it moves extremely slowly and lacks the richness and individuality that Venus contains. This way, I'm pretty sure Venus is the inspiring muse songwriters breathe from when writing love songs. (The way they express it nevertheless ruled by Mercury.)

I began to wonder whether the qualities of Venus in the charts of singers/songwriters were reflected in their lyrics. So I started by looking at the Natal Venus of some of my favourite songwriters. It was interesting and I continued...until I'd checked 76 charts and this almost became a scientific and certified investigation. ;)

My general conclusions:

- Venus in Earth and Fire signs came up more frequently (Air signs came last). Fire is the most dramatic and outgoing element so I understand their need for writing songs, as a grand gesture. Earth is less obvious, but perhaps it's their commitment to the material world, the world of the senses, that makes them want to produce something that can be heard.

- Venus in Fixed signs has a slight advantage over Cardinal and Mutable, possibly because their feelings are often more intense, enduring...

- Ten of the 76 "participants" had Venus in Aries. Other popular signs were: Taurus (8), Scorpio (8), Virgo (7), Capricorn (7), Aquarius (7), Pisces (7). I found only 2 songwriters with Venus in Cancer.

- Even though I limited my analysis to the signs were Venus was found, I couldn't help noticing Venus' aspects to the other planets in the chart and that's where the most interesting observations were.

(a) In the great majority of the charts Venus is extremely aspected, which highlights the planet's influence in the chart.

(b) Except for 3 or 4 charts, Venus was always aspected either by the social planets (Jupiter and Saturn) or by the extra-personal planets (Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) or BOTH. In my opinion, this reflects a person's connection to society and the collective; the person is able to understand the social trends, the collective feelings, hopes and dreams and probably channel that understanding into their songwriting. That's why they are popular songwriters and performers and not john and jane does - the public is able to see themselves in their songs, they enjoy it because they recognize their feelings in the music and lyrics, there is an obvious connection established. This can also add an explanation to the great number of Venus in Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces found (all signs ruled by extra-personal planets).

(c) 80% (possibly more) of the analysed Venus are connected to Saturn in some way, proving what I knew but didn't really believe - Venus-Saturn connections have a great artistic potential (including Venus in Capricorn) because Saturn likes the give shape to things (a big, restricting shape ha) and next to Venus it makes people "get serious" about art and relationships, it makes them work on it, not simply enjoy it, and so artistic concepts gain a material, practical form. Additionally, Saturn rules time so it gives people rhythm and musical ability.

Possible limitations and biases:

- Most songwriters I checked were to my liking, but not all of them. To be more precise, I'd have to select half that I liked and half that I didn't, but liking is per se a very subjective concept.
- Lyric interpretation is possibly one of the most subjective activities in the World and my views will necessarily be biased (hopefully by my feelings and not by this study).

- I haven't obviously been able to read ALL the lyrics from ALL the 76 musicians...

- I'm limiting myself to the analysis of Venus signs, not houses (it's impossible to find out the exact birthtime of most of the artists) and not aspects, so it will always be a limited analysis.

I'll be back to present to you my conclusions for each sign.

In the meantime, if you don't already know, you can find where your Natal Venus is here.
Then you'll see if the song lyrics describe how you usually feel when you're in love (in my next posts).

weird is beautiful

I don't know exactly what I've been doing, apart from writing, but I have been busy somehow. Just don't ask me why because I can't be objective about time and tasks. Time seems to spin by my life without me being conscious of it.

The other day I watched a film called Music From Another Room and I'm happy when I can take at least one good idea from a film. Some are just so plain and predictable it's a complete waste of time. I understand that the point of watching something may be to pass the time, to relax, think about other things, but it really gets better when they give you something to think about.

This film is a typical romantic comedy, predictable and not very funny, but it has a great cast with Jennifer Tily, Jude Law and Jeremy Piven, etc...But what I enjoyed the most was the metaphor of love that was given.

Somebody asked what was being in love like and it was explained that it was similar to hearing a song play in another room and you know it well so you sing along to yourself. But then a noise comes in the middle and you stop listening to the song for some time, but you keep humming it to yourself, so when the noise ends, you can listen to the song again and you realize that you're humming it with the exact timing it is being played. I've been trying to understand how this is similar to love but it's not very clear. What do you think?

Other than that it annoyed me that I knew what twists and turns the film would take. We all know the stories we tell are always the same, it's only the characters and the details that change, the process is the same. Why? Because in order to mean anything to all of us, the story has to portray an archetype, symbols that are in our collective unconscious and that we all relate to. But sometimes that is so DULL. I want more films that are completely insane, where people are sad in the end, nobody grows wiser, nobody gets rich or sucessful or finds love. Maybe I want films that I simply cannot understand. And maybe I'm insane ;)

Morir de amor - a collaboration:

It all started when Chloe mentioned she was listening to a song called "Morir de Amor" (To Die of Love) by Compay Segundo and Serge Aznavour + Celia Cruz. I listened to it and got really emotional (cry baby!), not because of the sad, tragic lyrics, there's something in the melody that makes me very mellow. Later, I posted about that song "Try Again" and Chloe suggested we did a tragic and romantic CD called "Morir de Amor" and so we did! Each of us chose a bunch of songs to go with the theme and the CD was born.

What is "Morir de Amor" - the theme?

It's a tepid night spent under the stars, sitting in a bar near the waves holding little icy glasses of tequilla. Or it's sitting in a smoky room, listening to a band playing sad, old songs. Smell of summer and lime, skirts that wave when youdance the cha-cha-cha, kids running around the beach way past their bedtime. Old wrinkled men wearing a neat hat and a wise glint in their eyes, a cuban cigar between their fingers (ok, maybe I'm getting carried away by Compay Segundo).
Full moon, the sound of the waves. It's a feeling inside, it is longing, it is wishing, it is dreaming and sometimes dreading. It's the first breath of passion, it can be platonic, but it is always plutonic.
It is something dancing inside of you at a rhythm you can't decipher; sometimes it is slow and sad, other times it makes you run with excitement.

My songs (woooorld music, little bit of fado, little bit of flamenco):

- Paco de Lucia - Tango Flamenco

- Pink Martini - Donde Estas Yolanda?

- Amália Rodrigues - Barco Negro

- Caetano Veloso - Cucurrucucú Paloma

- Tom Jobim - Canção do Amor Demais

- Pink Martini - La Soledad

- Niña Pastori - Cai

Chloe's songs: - Julie London - Cry me a River
- Celia Cruz, Charles Aznavour & Compay Segundo - Morir de Amor
- Manos Hadjidakis - Min Ton Rotas Ton Ourano (Don't ask the sky)
- Amy Winehouse - Back to Black
- Leonard Cohen - A Thousand Kisses Deep
- Nina Simone - Wild is the Wind

Meanwhile, it is now snowing in Buenos Aires - the first time since 1918. (photo from clarin.com)

I'm currently reading a book about relationships gone wrong. It's the type of book that I'd never read unless it was written by my favourite writer...and it is, so there you go.

To start off, she was writting about how the education we receive from our parents and society affects our relationships and she mentioned the western myth of eternal love. It's common in our society to seek a relationship with someone else that is entirely fulfilling and lasts forever. She says that in China, for instance, the expression of loving someone is only used between mother and child, whilst between husband and wife there is "affection". (that's what she says but she's been known for saying goofy things).

It seems that over here we tend to forget that passion ends (I need to be reminded of this myself, maybe I should get a post-it stuck in my desk saying passion ends!), that what comes after that can be wonderful but needs a lot of work put into it. People don't want to work on it, they want everything there and then. And sometimes we don't understand that break-ups and separations can be the best thing that's ever happened to us, but no, we talked about "failed marriages" and "broken hearts". And to make matters worse, living in this increasingly individualistic world, where the societal values have failed and we have little references everywhere we go, these romantic relationships are even more sought for, more essential for one's sense of worth.

This made me think (not too much because I was sleepy when I read it, but this is important!) And I've never felt more like Carrie Bradshaw writting a post in my laptop. Now I gotta go because I need to reach 6000 words today.

all aboard?

I read something on an astrology blog that made me think. It suggested that, due to some kind of planetary situation, this was the best of times to get rid of old myths we have about ourselves.

This is something that I've been thinking about lately when I came to the conclusion that much of my pessimism about my life has no logical reason to exist, especially not astrologically. I'm supposed to be an optimistic, joyful kind of person...so why do I, namely, look at any love interest as another opportunity to fail and get hurt?

Sometimes we have bad experiences in the past and that leads us to think that we will suffer again; other times people tell us (verbally or not) things about ourselves that we think are true, they tell us we're not good enough for something, that our goals are too high, that there is something deeply wrong or incapacitating in you; other times we just assume things about ourselves, while we compare ourselves to others, while we consult "specialists of the soul" that diagnose some kind of fault that we'll never get rid of.

And we drag these ideas into our daily lives, we see ourselves in the eyes of those people, or in our judging, critical eyes. We don't dare to test these ideas, we just try to get round them and avoid confrontation. We shift, we adapt.

The other day Mariel Hemingway talked in the Oprah show and she said something that struck a chord: she mentioned that for most of her life she felt miserable inside her own skin because there was always a voice inside of her that kept telling her "You're not skinny enough", "You're not pretty enough", "You're not talented enough", etc. Until one day she stopped and realized if there was someone in her life that kept telling her those things, she wouldn't want to be friends with that person, so she "decided" to discard that voice that always made her miserable. That sounds like a major breakthrough to me.

Incidentally yesterday on Oprah they were talking about that book that everyone went to buy (and a DVD too, I think) "The Secret" - I think that's marketing crap, self-help books are all the same but they mentioned interesting things, making me focus even more on these crystallized ideas. This is not new but I do believe that negative ideas attract more negativity, whilst thinking on the positive side, idealizing what you want will bring those things to you - this is not magical thinking - the truth is if you think about your wishes everyday, consistently, you will act to get them.

This is the time to shake these preconceptions off you and think positive - agreed? Every day is a new day and you can try again.

Boys that I like don't grow on trees (I've never been a fan of the Tarzan-types)

This post will be rather silly.



Once upon a time, a girl was invited to a dinner with some old acquaintances, maybe friends isn't the appropriate word since they rarely saw each other. She didn't feel like going because she hadn't seen them for a long time and she didn't know if they'd have anything to talk about. But she had to go and so she went, after a long day when she'd done a dreadful exam that she was sure she was going to fail. There was someone in the dinner that she especially wasn't looking forward to seeing, someone that had made her knees weak in a long faded summer.


But it wasn't as bad as she had anticipated. There were more people at the dinner than she expected and she soon started chatting to them, particularly a girl that seemed even more nervous than she was. She tried to act naturally around those people she hadn't seen in a while and she felt she was doing okay. They were all very nice and she was very fond of them, even though she thought she had little to say.


When it was time to sit at the table, she sat next to the boy of her past, like they had done in that Summer and he was still very quiet and talked to her in a friendly manner, while making sure she had everything she needed. But suddenly, in the course of dinner, her focus changed entirely. Someone was trying to include the other shy girl in the conversation, asking her if she didn't think a particular boy was good-looking, creating embarrassed looks between some of those sat at the table, while the boy in question blushed visibly. Our girl looked up to the boy in question, who was sitting more or less in front of her and she saw that not only was he good-looking but he was completely enchanting. And, from that moment on, as fickle was she was, she couldn't take her eyes off of him for the rest of the night and completely forgot about the boy sitting next to her, who probably couldn't care less about her either.


She commented to the boy that he was becoming the colour of his shirt (he was wearing something red) and he replied he could get even redder, which she thought was particularly sweet.


He didn't have to say or do anything special from then on because she was already smitten, but she noticed how polite he was, how he always said her name when addressing her, which made a nice change from most people. After dinner, some of them sat on the floor with pillows and chatted. The girl didn't talk much, she just laughed, as she usually did when she was with those people she already knew from the summers. One of them was particularly funny. She paid close attention to the boy, to a curl that fell on top of his forehead, trying to understand what colour were those eyes. She felt good and she started to wish that she was a part of that group regularly.


As the night draw to a close, she worried that unless something extraordinary happened she wasn't likely to see the boy again in the near future. Nothing extraordinary happened and soon she had to leave. The boy stayed. She'd had no way to talking to him alone, nor did she know what she could say to someone she'd just met.


She felt the excitement of meeting someone new that she could really like and simultaneously a sadness, as though she had already lost him. In the following days, she looked for ways to contact him but nothing worked out. She couldn't contact the others either: she knew they were no more than acquaintances, nice fun ones, but just that.


The girl never saw the boy again and gradually she forgot about him. She had to, what choice did she have? What did people do when they met someone in these circumstances? Yeah, go for it. That would've been interesting, right there, next to all those people she knew. She didn't risk it but she didn't regret it. It was one of those things she had to let go of.


Recently, the girl found the boy in one of those Internet communities. A tiny part of her wanted to send him a message saying 'hi', but she knew that something that was ridiculous years ago, would be utterly unthinkable at the present moment. She will let go again, knowing that she doesn't fall for someone who blushes everyday, but because she has a lot of important things to think about.

[Edit: FB commented that this reminded him of something japanese writer Murakami wrote and it's true! It's a short story that you can read over here and there's a line that sums it up very well - "Oh, well. It would have started "Once upon a time" and ended "A sad story, don't you think?"" But read mine first!! lol]

hey you, get out of my cloud

Not sure it is a good idea to start a post without knowing what I'm going to write about. I am completely uninspired. Not just at this precise moment, but for the last days. Not only on blog terms, but on everything I've been doing. My mind is a sandy, hot desert. Not an oasis in sight.

There was something fresh that made me smile a little. I was telling Vesper how I was really disappointed when Tori Amos released Scarlet's Walk, but she encouraged me to give it another chance (well, she didn't say that, but she liked the album after a while, so I decided to play it again). There was a pearl of a song there, called "Your cloud" - it's about separation and ending relationships. One of the few Tori songs when you can grasp the meaning behind the lyrics.

The chorus says:

If the rain

Has to separate from

Itself,

does it say

"pick out your cloud"?

Is there a better way to put it? The song goes on about this idea: even though we are individuals ("Who we were isn't lost, before we were Us, Indigo in his own, Blue always knew this"), when we enter a meaningful deep relationship we become one with someone else...and if there comes a time when we have to separate ourselves from that person....how can we pick out our cloud? How can we distinguish between what's ours and what isn't?

I have been...

Insomniac

Excited

Dreamy

Unproductive

Is it cold? Is it warm? I don't know. The weather's been strange, sunny, sometimes cloudy, sometimes it rains, sometimes there's freezing wind.

I'll leave you with some lyrics by Sade. This is the sort of lyrics I should be singing these days, but I'm not. Maybe I'll try...

When am I gonna make a living

Ooh it's gonna take a while before I give in

See the people fussing and thieving

While sharks are wheeling and dealing

Got to wake up and tell yourself

There's no end to what you can do

They'll waste your body and soul

If you allow them to

This is the time

To start believing in yourself

Put the blame on no one else

Instead I'm singing something like...

Haunt me

In my dreams

If you please

You're breath is with me now and always

It's like a breeze

Fools in love

The other day I was feeling happy. Not just happy, I was excited, enthusiastic, bursting out of myself with thirst for life - I probably feel the Spring coming - when that happens I get thirsty for life, real physical thirst!
Anyway, I'm not usually this happy (normally I feel regular, not too good, not too bad, just go with the flow) so I had to tell my friend that I was feeling like that. And she said something really interesting! She said that whenever she feels like that, whenever she's smiling over something simple and feeling good about life, she thinks she must be an inherently happy person.
I thought this was fabulous, it would never have crossed my mind. Now that I think about it, I probably know why she had this kind of thought. I don't think she'll mind if I say that she has a lot of energies in her 1st house, the house of identity, so she must find herself focusing on who she is, what she is and what she isn't frequently. Okay, I didn't mean to mix Astrology here, but I had to.

This idea came to me again last night. I wasn't particularly happy nor sad. Before I fell asleep I was listening to music and was swept away by emotions, by a flow of feelings that I couldn't control. Nothing that I'm not used to by now. Then it occurred to me that, if I was able to feel like that with a couple of songs, when I'm not even in love*, then I'm not dead inside. Not that I ever thought I was dead, but when you leave teenage years behind some things aren't quite as exciting as they were before.

If I felt so much with so little, then I must be an inherently emotional, enthusiastic person. I should have a whole stock of emotional states to pour out. A whole lot of tantrums, fits, enthusiasm, laughter and pure emotion to present to the world. And if I felt like that with a simple song, I can't imagine what I'll feel like when I finally fall in love...again.

Uhh...brace yourself, Devil Mood!

Song of the night and the day - I love this!

Fools in Love by Inara George

"Fools in love they think they're heroes

Cause they can't feel no pain

I say fools in love are zeros

I should know,

I should know because this fool's in love again"

*because when you're in love, you can get emotional over anything, at least from my experience.

Lovestruck

This is my mood-beam. It's called Lovestruck. It doesn't do much, just lights up the room and changes its colour. But it can also follow the beat of a song.

Will all of you lovely people be my Valentines? Because I love you all so much, I couldn't possibly choose between you!

On other notes, I had an electrical trouble tonight. I tried to light up the lamp on my bedside table and it exploded. It ruined an electrical socket. Now my room is a mix of wires going from one place to another.

The rain came back strongly today. Perfect for this post.

This weekend I watched most of the Top 50 of Heartbreaking songs on Vh1. It was foggy and grey outside and there was nothing better to do. It was very entertaining, but afterwards I thought - I can do better than that!

So I browsed through my CDs and made my own top 10. No favourites, just sad songs - the sadder the better haha

Or...you could say I was bored!

My top 10:

10. Ray Charles - You don't know me Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by, The chance that you might love me too

9. Feist - Let it die - The tragedy starts from the very first spark, Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

8. The Cranberries - I still do - I don't want to leave you, even though I have to, I don't want to love you. Oh I still do.

7. Tori Amos - China - In your eyes I saw a future together, but you just look away in the distance.

6. Amy Winehouse - Love is a losing game - One I wish I never played, Oh, what a mess we made And now the final frame, Love is a losing game

5. Fiona Apple - Love Ridden - No, not 'baby' anymore, if I need you I'll just use your simple name. Only kisses on the cheek from now on and, in a little while, we'll only have to wave.

4. Vaya con Dios - What's a woman - All those dreams from the past, faded so fast, ghosts of the past, when love was to last. All alone, in the dark, she will swear 'cross my heart, never again'.

3. Janis Joplin - A woman left lonely - And when she gets lonely, she's thinking of her man, she knows he's taking her for granted and she just don't understand.

2. Stina Nordenstam - His song (or any other of her songs, for that matter) I know that I cannot have you, I know that you will never be mine, I know that and that's why I chose you 'cause this is real life.

1. Lamb - Zero There's no one here today, cause someone took the light away. There's nothing in my heart. Don't think I could even start to explain. I can't stand the pain of losing something so much a part of me...

I feel like I forgot a million songs.

If you're interested this was VH1's top 10:

10 - Justin Timberlake - Cry me a River

9 - Whitney Houston - I will always love you

8 - Rainbow - Since you've been gone

7 - Mariah Carey - Without You

6 - Roxette - It must've been love

5 - Bill Medley - We've lost that lovin' feelin'

4 - Celine Dion - All by myself
3 - R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts

2 - Bill Withers - Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

1 - Sinead O'Connor - Nothing compares to you

Oops, Valentine's day tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be back with a happier post.