ss - phantoms & shadows

Maybe it was the fact that I was listening to an old CD yesterday, maybe I've just lost it...but today in the middle of my sleep I came across a detail of my life of ten years ago. It was a completely useless detail, not even entirely related to me, it was about my friends and our daily routine. It served for nothing but stir other old memories. But why would I remember something so useless in the middle of my sleep?

This is just one of the subtleties of my memory. Some parts of my life seem to be buried under cement. Sometimes with a little help from what people tell me or something I wrote I can recall and recreate these events.  This forgetfulness goes  against my theory that I have a really good memory, particularly of details. I remember things I ate years ago, songs I was listening to, the sensation of certain clothes I was wearing - it's always very sensorial and if it wasn't for my senses I probably wouldn't remember anything at all. I haven't mentioned the smells but that is obviously the sense that brings out more memories and feelings.

My memories are like cotton wool. They are soft and light and often seem ready to disappear like the clouds in the sky. And when you pull one memory, others come right after, exactly like the cotton threads. Coincidentally Cotton Wool by Lamb was the song I was listening to last night.

My life on TV - part 1

It's not my fault that I grew up when the TV age was in full bloom. Not my fault that there were a lot of interesting (good/bad) TV series that are part of my childhood memories. I'm doing a little report on that, starting with some of the earliest shows I remember.

This one always played after the news on weekdays. I have to say I enjoyed the intro more than the rest, I thought it was a bit goofy - why did Alf always mess up?


I didn't watch this show (or don't remember watching) but this intro and the song got recorded in mymind until today. My mother really liked this.


This was one of my favourite, I laughed and laughed...'don't be ridiculous!'


This was another show that I didn't watch back then. Many many years later I eventually did on re-runs.



Who doesn't remember this intro?


This is one of my favourites. I must have watched this intro a thousand times because I watched this in different occasions. The first time this was on was during a tv show where you had to phone in to choose what programme they would play next. Then I watched everything when I was about 8, and then again when I was 19 or so. It never stopped making sense and being funny.


Oh a classic! This (along with MacGyver) used to be on on Saturday afternoons and my cousins were always watching and even though I didn't like it, I had to watch it too.


Oh and this one was the BEST!!!



Hope you didn't have an 80s overdose. Sorry about that. Will be back with fresher things later on for part 2. Oh and feel free to share your own life on tv...

Sunday Scribblings - Hospital

Unfortunately I had to spend a few weeks in hospital when I was 11, and then again when I was 13. I say unfortunately because no one really wants to be there when they have to, but it truly was for the best.

At first it was completely terrifying. I remember staying there on the first night, all alone. I was in a big nursery room, with smelly, old women mostly. Some of them were a little out of their minds already and they asked me to bring them things and I didn't really want to get very close. It was probably eight o'clock and everyone was sleeping already, lights off. People snoring next to me. I left the room and sat at the entrance, reading a book and writing on my diary. A nurse told me to go to sleep. I wouldn't, so she told me about her kids at home. I was already longing for a normal life back home, just to hear her talking about it.

Days passed, more or less painful, more or less despairing for being there. After the terror came the boredom. I envied all my schoolmates that didn't have to be there, that didn't have a care in the world. I was just lying in the bed, unable to move, there were no mobile phones, no i-pods, just my walkman and a Gameboy. The minutes seemed to last for hours, hours for days, you get the picture. Hospital food. Screaming patients. Drinking tea from a straw.

But, at the same time, there was a strange sense of belonging because at that time that was my life. The nurses were my help, the other patients were my colleagues, I watched some come and go, others still stayed behind, I knew all the doctors, one even looked like George Clooney (!).

In one of the times, my bed was next to a big window, I used to watch the sunrise every morning. Days start so early at the hospital. I listened to the same tapes over and over again. I read teen magazines and, above all, I made lists and lists of plans of things to do when I got out. I wanted to do everything, anything was preferable to being there. You see, I didn't like being there, despite all the attention people gave me, no one could really enjoy being in such a place, but I had a future, I had it all planned out and the day when I got out would be the best day of my life so far.

For more scribblings, go here.

sky is in the stars now

This is the story of how I met my dog in 1992. I was spending a weekend away in the north of Portugal and in the roadside there was a salesman selling birds, pet food, cages, that sort of thing (it wasn't a very fast road). My mother remembered we needed food for our bird so we stopped. The salesman had a box with three puppies inside. They were the colour of sand and had a lot of hair, they looked like little sheep. I had always wanted to have a dog and I melted right away. I plagued my parents with "can we have him? can we have him?" questions all the way to the place where we were staying. Finally, they gave in and I went with my father to get a dog. I couldn't believe it. It was a dream come true. We got the male puppy which was a little bigger (we thought males were less trouble, but the years really proved us wrong) and the salesman pretended he belonged to some kind of breed, so he was relatively expensive. I remember he was really, really heavy in my arms.

The dog wailed a lot in the first nights, probably missed his mother. I remember thinking - now the dog will always be around, he'll be part of the family. It was a little scary because I knew he was a responsability. But I was delighted. Couldn't even finish my homework for that weekend. Ironically, one day we came home and the bird was dead on the floor. It must have managed to escape the cage and the dog probably killed it.

I've never heard of a dog like this one (yes, all owners say that). When I went out on the street with him, everyone recognized him in the neighbourhood, they all had a story about him, about the one time when they saw him ten blocks away from home, the time we would chase their female dogs for days, not leaving their doorstep entire nights. He used to go out on the street alone, we shouldn't have let him get used to it because it was dangerous. He got into lots of fights, he would disappear sometimes for days, we were worried sick, he survived huge wounds made by other dogs, he got caught by the kennel van once or twice, he almost choked on a fish bit, he would persecute all cats without pity, he once came home with a newborn bird in his mouth and starting chirping in the elevator...the stories are never-ending.

Thank you for all your kind words. It hurts like hell. I was going crazy yesterday. I keep expecting to see him in certain corners of the house and keep hearing the sounds he used to make. It will take a lot of time to get used to it. I have urges to pet him but I can't. And petting another dog just doesn't do it.

Tomorrow my beloved dog will be put to sleep.

I've been suffering from anticipatory grief these last few days. I've tried to envision the day he would be gone in the past, as he got older, as he got sick and sometimes got a little better, I knew he would be gone one day...but right now I don't know what's it gonna be like when he's not here tomorrow. I don't know how I'll react.

Because the thing is...I barely remember not having him. I was eight when I got him, so he's been with me through the real "thick and thin", through most of my developmental periods, through all my teenage years and God knows how much these mean to a person, through all my existencial crisis, through my highs and victories, when he'd get a special cuddle...more or less present in the back of my mind, he was always here.

Lately he hasn't been the same and he got really worse in this last week. I don't like the thought of playing Mother Nature but I've realized it is for the best because he's getting really uncomfortable. All in all, I know he was a really happy dog for most of his lifetime and he's got more stories to tell than all the other dogs I know put together.

Tomorrow I know he will be in Dog-heaven, with lots of chewy-bones and raw bacalhau, which he adores. I'll see you later, Sky.

Summer

Dharmabum tagged me to write about things I like about the Summer. I understand that our visions of Summer (from all of us) must be very different, considering we live in such distant parts of the world, that's the main interest of this tag...and also because it can trigger several nice memories.

Will I be able to find 8 things I like about the Summer?

1) First of all, the Summer gives me another opportunity to have an opinion different from most people around me. "Everybody" loves the Summer in Portugal, I'm not a fan. Being a very coastal country, we can say "our" favourite hobby is going to the beach, so at the first signs of a rising temperature...beaches around the cities get piled up with people soaking in the sun, traffic jams everywhere, children screaming all around you...what's not to like, really?

2) Summer is usually equated to holidays, meaning a break, the end of school, time to laze around and do very little. It's the most distinct time of the year, so it's a break from the yearly routine that I really appreciate. Not being in school this year, or any kind of work, I'm not sure how it'll be.

3) During the Summer there are a lot less people in the city, less traffic, less pollution, less noise...it's great for the people that stay (that's why I prefer to have my holidays in some other month that isn't August).

4) Going to the beach and always marvelling at the infinite length of the sea in front of me.

5) Plums, cherries, watermelon, figs, peaches!

6) In the Summer it's okay to eat ice cream everyday (it rhymes too)

7) Nights sitting in the dark outside and watching fallen stars across the big starry sky. There's not a Summer that goes by when I don't see several of them. But I always get so startled I hardly get to make wishes ;)

8) Already? I couldn't get away without writing about summer loves. What is it about them? Is it the heat? Is it the lack of clothes? Or is it the relaxation and a different attitude from the rest of the year? It is everything...and it fades as quickly as a suntan.

It wasn't so bad and there are some things I didn't even mention, like those nights when it's a little chilly and you get to wear a scarf over your shoulders, being able to read all day and devour books after books while eating sandwiches and drinking an icy can of coke :), fresh grilled fish everyday, smiling tourists, musical events at night, summer songs...

Ironically, today it's miserable outside, rain, rain, rain...

Are you excited about the Summer?

the baggage

"Many" years in the bag, only one of me

This week has been a roller-coaster of emotional memories.

I'm amazed at the amount of baggage someone with a fairly uneventful life can have. And I don't mean just the emotional baggage you carry to your relationships and your life (you do carry it, don't pretend you enter every experience like it's the first one you have), but also the baggage that means experience, not necessarily maturity, but certainly a huge amount of memories to look back at.

All of this came when I decided to dig up some people from my past and see what they were up to. I first remembered a boy from my school that I hadn't seen in a while and I ended up checking dozens of people, some I hadn't seen for almost 10 years, even though we live in the same city. It was surprising, painful at times, interesting. Even though I knew some of them weren't 14 year-olds anymore, I was amazed at how much everyone changed. I must've changed too, but I'm not sure I changed that much. Bigger faces, same distinctive traits, but it was a really odd experience altogether. Others belonged to a more recent past, but some of their lives were also tranformed in an amazing way.

As I was trying to remember things that had happened, I came across several blanks in my memory, which were very strange because I always thought of myself as having a great memory. My biggest weapon to rescue little details were the journals that I used to write, or even my diary and I'm sure that if I hadn't written these things many would be lost forever. There were people that were mentioned in those journals that I don't remember at all and that was freaky; imagine reading something like "I was at a café and talked to someone for most of the night" - the person's name isn't mentioned and there's no other registry of that person...and I don't remember anything! Who is this person?!Well, maybe I shouldn't have journals at all, that way I'd forget it and move on. (I'm kidding, I like the journals, most of them, at least.)

A trip down memory lane may seem a little useless, but in this case it wasn't that at all. This was very useful to me, to get some perspective over the people that I've come across, to understand their place in my life, to look at things without fear or rejection. I understood some of the cycles, some of the ups and downs, I recognized the beginning of some things and the ending of others - much like the Wheel of Fortune card in Tarot - most things in life are cyclical and temporary.

I felt like time had flown over me and the years gone by without a single warning. I wanted to get back to some things and leave others behind forever. I wanted to get in touch with some people that I'd left behind and let others be. Time is an amazing thing; an amazing teacher, as well, which doesn't mean I won't be making the same mistakes over and over again. Mr. Time, Cronos, or Saturn, whatever you want to call it. Will I ever learn what you want me to learn?

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

(Beatles - In my life - what else, really?)

And if I die today I'll be the HAPPY Phantom

And I'll go chasin' the nuns out in the yard

And I'll run naked through the streets without my mask on

And I will never need umbrellas in the rain

I'll wake up in strawberry fields every day

And the atrocities of school I can forgive

The HAPPY phantom has no right to bitch

Oo-ho the time is getting closer

Oo-ho time to be a ghost

Oo-ho every day we're getting closer

The sun is getting dim

Will I pay for who I've been?

(Tori Amos - the Happy Phantom)

The atrocities of school, the atrocities of classmates, the atrocities of nuns, the atrocities of family members...the secrets, the envy, the double-bind sentences, the learnt guilt...the heavy scars of a lost happiness, the experiences that mark us forever and will always be a part of who we are.

Today I cry for it all because it never goes away and with time you get to see it all in a new light.

*the image is a reference to the double-bind communication, it's a paradox. And it's also my hommage to a family therapist and psychologist Paul Watzlawick, who died last month - he used to say that it's impossible not to communicate in everything you do and don't (do).

**I'm just sad, nothing to worry about.

YouYou Meme

Okay, how ridiculous does that sound?! lol

I'm about to do a post that I'm sure will mean a lot to me, even if to you it may be confusing, incoherent, pointless and boring. I'm sorry, I'd help you figure it out but it'd take me forever. I got this from Eric, who got it from someone else, you know the drill.

I decided to limit my list, in case you decide to read it, because I know 50 is a little heavy. What I'm about to do it talk about people that are/were significant in my life and say a sentence or two about them. This is supposed to allow you get to know me better. Don't know if it will, but it'll definitely be cathartic and emotional and ..I can't wait to start. lol Am I weird or what? Okay, here it goes. No person will be repeated, so it's a number for each. (I won't mix in any online friends, so relax, I won't be mentioning you ;)

0. You were my first best-friend. Together we were as wild as 9-year-old girls can be, we went to forbidden places and talked for hours about our crushes. And we laughed until we couldn't breathe anymore!

1. I wish we were closer but I'm afraid you resent me over something. There is this ghost between us...or is it just me? I still think you're great!

2. You're a constant presence in my life and you annoy me, but I don't know how I'll cope when you're gone. Whether I like it or not, you molded me into the person I am today.

3. I admire your spirit, the life you had, the values you stood by. I admire the love you have for everyone in your life. Deep down, even though times are different, I want some of that for myself.

4. I'm not sure why we drifted apart. Perhaps we clash, perhaps I wasn't the person I am today when we met. I like you, but somehow I want to stay away from you.

5. We shared a common interest and the times we had together were so enthusiastic and fun! I have great memories but I still think you used me...

6. You taught me many things when I was little, some things weren't even true...but you weren't much more of a child yourself. I dream of you often and I admire your free spirit. Maybe I'll never tell you this, we're so different...

7. You were the epitome of the teenage crush. I don't know if I ever believed I'd have a chance with you, but today I'm glad I didn't because it would only kill all of my dreams. Today I can look at the person you are and laugh.

8. We fell out because of the person above, or so I told you. I was probably mean to you, but that happens when you're 13, I suppose. I hope I didn't upset you too badly, but the truth is our time was over - so, like I felt used by others before, it was my turn to be the "abuser".

9. I wish I were in a different place when I met you; perhaps I could've tried to get closer to you. More and more I think we could've been good together. And now you're gone. You were an island and I passed you by (Coldplay).

10. You're the last person on earth I want to disappoint.

11. I've tried to learn from our experience and remember mostly the good things. But even today I'm sometimes invaded by doubt and other times I see things with a clarity that I couldn't achieve at the time. I don't regret anything and you'll always have a place in my life.

12. Even though you were never physically there for me, you were so important and a huge support at difficult times. I learnt from you and you lightened up my life. I couldn't be as honest with anyone as I was with you.

13. You're an artist and you're also a serious man. I've learnt to deal with you through the years; sometimes you get on my nerves too much; other times, I wish I had more to talk to you about.

14. We barely had anything in common but the circumstances brought us together and I thank you for being my friend. I didn't like many of the things you did, I thought you were a slut, but you were my friend and I tried to be there for you as well.

15. You're the funniest person I ever met and I adore you! I can't get over the image of us walking down the street, in the pouring rain, talking like lunatics, giving up on our useless umbrellas, getting completely soaked but not being able to stop laughing for a second. My stomach muscles were sore for weeks!

16. The last time we spoke you were so sweet and nice to me. I never called you back. But that's how stupid I can be. I think you're incredibly interesting, I really do.

17. We had brilliant times together. We shared many great and not so great experiences, I never want to forget them. We've grown apart, as people do. I know I'm probably the one that changed the most. Sometimes I wish I went back to being that girl that spent so many hours in the coffee shop with you, but then I wouldn't be me like I am now. It's confusing.

18. How much more handsome could you be? None! Fabulous memories of those summer days, but I still don't understand what was going on. Were you into me at all? Did you know I was mad about you? Who cares?! lol

19. I wish I was closer to you, you seem like a cool guy. Is there a generation gap? Or are you just like me? Sometimes being family is not enough.

20. You're my mother and saying anything wouldn't be saying nearly enough.

21. You were probably the first boy that paid any active attention to me. You were nice and 'hip' enough. You made me a tape and you walked me home. You loved my record player.

22. Did you get lost in the way? Are you still lost? I'm really sorry. We had such brilliant moments of shared lunacy, we made the greatest films in our heads. You're so funny and you were always so understanding. I love you, girl!

23. I could've seriously fallen in love with you, but it wasn't the right time. You were the mysterious guy, you were perfect, too perfect...in fact, you were so troubled. I hope you're feeling better now. Don't lose yourself, someone will need you badly one day.

24. I never had a brother or a sister until you came along! The years have passed, we love to talk about our memories and I sincerely hope that we'll keep doing that for years to come. I just wish you valued yourself more. I'm not preaching here, I'm just saying...

25. You challenge me and you provoke me, but you're great and I shouldn't run away from you. We have much to talk about, we are alike and you're a really special person.

26. I could never categorize you in the midst of all the people I've met - you're so unique! Even though you're far away now, I always remember your generosity, your constant smile and how you paid me so much attention when I wasn't anything or anyone to you (yet). And I miss the way you hugged me :)

27. I thank you for putting up with all moodiness and I'm only afraid one day you'll grow tired of it. It's been really important to me that you respect the fact that I'm a loner and a crazy woman. I think you're fabulous and now I'm crying like a baby. :P

28. It was great to feel admired and cherished by you. Maybe I didn't treat you as well as you deserved. I guess I wasn't used to having someone in my life that liked me. Nevertheless, I have great memories of our moments together. A bundle of laughs and educational conversations. And you really got me!

29. Maybe deep down you're the man of my dreams, but this is an option I'll never face consciously. It's wrong but it's one of those things...Sometimes I dream of you and I'm sure no-one has ever annoyed and fascinated me as much at the same time.

30. Boy, we could've had something there! I have to laugh when I think about it. We had fun and I have the photos to prove it. You made me feel different and that was special at the time.

I had to ignore huge parts of my family to get this done. As no names were mentioned, I'm sure no-one will be upset. It's not like any of them read this anyway.

Reading this you'd think I'm a happy and full of love person, wouldn't you? How funny is this!? But, yes, it's a little surprising that I've had so many people in my life that were significant. Most of them are gone now, but that's not necessarily bad. It's part of growing up and changing and becoming who you are. Some people enter your life for a reason, others for a season and others for a lifetime, or so I've heard.

90's corner

I did a 90s corner post a while back. It was my intention to continue with it regularly, but sometimes looking back just seems like a waste of everyone's time.

Today I'm listening to a CD that takes me back. Not to the beginning of the 90s, nor the middle, right to the end...1998. Still, it's been almost nine years and the way time is flying it too scary.

I had different musical preferences back then. They were less eclectic, more aggressive, more repetitive, more obsessive. It was a time when music was everything. It was oxigen, it was inspiration, it was cathartic. There was a time when I used the word cathartic a lot. I was in a constant catharsis, with music as my companion.

Music is still my companion today, but it's different now. I don't have all the injustices in the world inside of me, so I don't need to scream and shout and cry and sob and be completely wrecked by songs.

The album is "Celebrity Skin" by Hole, perfect to sing along, in happier days (as opposed to "Live Through This", perfect to shout along in angrier days). In the time when it was funny when Courtney Love sung "Just shut up, you're only sixteen" - and I wasn't even sixteen!

Song of the day: Hole - "Malibu"

Hey, hey, I'm gonna follow you

Oh baby, fly away to Malibu

Oceans of angels, oceans of stars

Down by the sea is where you drown your scars

I can't be near you

The light just radiates...