Saturday, May 12, 2007

the baggage

"Many" years in the bag, only one of me
This week has been a roller-coaster of emotional memories.
I'm amazed at the amount of baggage someone with a fairly uneventful life can have. And I don't mean just the emotional baggage you carry to your relationships and your life (you do carry it, don't pretend you enter every experience like it's the first one you have), but also the baggage that means experience, not necessarily maturity, but certainly a huge amount of memories to look back at.

All of this came when I decided to dig up some people from my past and see what they were up to. I first remembered a boy from my school that I hadn't seen in a while and I ended up checking dozens of people, some I hadn't seen for almost 10 years, even though we live in the same city. It was surprising, painful at times, interesting. Even though I knew some of them weren't 14 year-olds anymore, I was amazed at how much everyone changed. I must've changed too, but I'm not sure I changed that much. Bigger faces, same distinctive traits, but it was a really odd experience altogether. Others belonged to a more recent past, but some of their lives were also tranformed in an amazing way.

As I was trying to remember things that had happened, I came across several blanks in my memory, which were very strange because I always thought of myself as having a great memory. My biggest weapon to rescue little details were the journals that I used to write, or even my diary and I'm sure that if I hadn't written these things many would be lost forever. There were people that were mentioned in those journals that I don't remember at all and that was freaky; imagine reading something like "I was at a café and talked to someone for most of the night" - the person's name isn't mentioned and there's no other registry of that person...and I don't remember anything! Who is this person?!Well, maybe I shouldn't have journals at all, that way I'd forget it and move on. (I'm kidding, I like the journals, most of them, at least.)

A trip down memory lane may seem a little useless, but in this case it wasn't that at all. This was very useful to me, to get some perspective over the people that I've come across, to understand their place in my life, to look at things without fear or rejection. I understood some of the cycles, some of the ups and downs, I recognized the beginning of some things and the ending of others - much like the Wheel of Fortune card in Tarot - most things in life are cyclical and temporary.

I felt like time had flown over me and the years gone by without a single warning. I wanted to get back to some things and leave others behind forever. I wanted to get in touch with some people that I'd left behind and let others be. Time is an amazing thing; an amazing teacher, as well, which doesn't mean I won't be making the same mistakes over and over again. Mr. Time, Cronos, or Saturn, whatever you want to call it. Will I ever learn what you want me to learn?
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
(Beatles - In my life - what else, really?)


kimananda said...

Yes. Just yes. I've been looking people up as well, recently, and also trying to look people up where I know very well who they are, but can't remember their full names. In some cases, people I've been quite intimate with, and now don't remember very basic details. Of course, for you, it's normal memory loss, for me at my advanced age, it's incipient senility. ;-)

And what an amazing're channeling Andy Warhol, and you are a good channel!

Ps said...

This is so freaky because it sounds so much like what I did!!!Down to the detail of not being able to recall certain names.And it bugged me so much--that I tore up all the journals a few years back.Now it seems like another lifetime :-)

Devil Mood said...

I just LOVE it when you bloggers identify with what I wrote :)

Kim: Thanks, I made this in a group at Flickr called Flickr-toys. It's called a Warholizer ;)
I've been through that too, I didn't know people's last names and I had to take another route and look for friends of's completely insane lol So you're not senile yet!

PS: It seems like another lifetime to me too ;) I've been trying to make some kind of retrograde hypnosis to remember things but it doesn't work :P

Cathy said...

The same sort of thing has happened to me as I ventured into the world of Facebook; some people I see and regret seeing again, but for the most part, it is amazing to think that what seemed so significant at the time is irrelevant now; but the cliques are still there; just in Facebook format.

holy chaos said...

i kept a journal in college and i wrote about the first time i met my husband... he was dancing in a frat house with my roomate and i was with this cute guy from uganda. my roomate and i rated all of the guys we had met so far our freshman year... my future husband was on the list... but we did not start dating for 3 more years.

dharmabum said...

i wrote journals for a long time. somehow gave it up. call it growing up maybe!

i can identify with what u've written, although i myself am not the kind who goes back to the past. simply coz it mostly turns up a blank screen :)

Devil Mood said...

Cathy: Yes, the cliques! I noticed that too, it's funny. The Internet is a strange tool, but useful.

Holychaos: I love those stories! Rating the guys is my idea of fun ihihihi :D I only regret not having written more, but there was a time I thought writing was useless.

Dharmabum: Writing journals has its pros and cons, I also stopped but in a way I wish I hadn't.

diyadear said...

OMG.. this was kinda scary.. cos as of now i dont want to forget any of my friends names.. But i know life goes on n trivial matters r easily forgotten.. thats when i wish for time to just stand still :)

Maddie said...

That was so cool! A trip down memory
lane - and Devil Mood I LOVE your

I need to try one of those:)

Meow said...

Wow, I've been thinking alot about catching up with long lost friends lately. Wonder what's going on, there seem to be many of us in the same mind-set !! Bizarre.
Went to a reunion about 10 years ago ... wow, was that strange. Everyone was somewhat the same, but also so very different.
Hope you have a great week.
Take care, Meow

chamki said...

I've done this. Called someone from the past. One year then it stopped rhen again the next year but what doesn't happen doesn't happen. I wish him good.

Love your header! Also I finally figured the pull ta. All his while Mahima would tell me about it and I would say what tag?

MAHIMA said...

i saw this on your flickr first and meant to leave a comment. then i rushed of for dance an forgot (and you know you dance is taking over internet time these days!!)
devil mood!!
i've only been out of school some years and already some faces are out of my memory.

Devil Mood said...

Diyadear: I never thought I could forget simple things like that, but it happens, strangely enough.

Maddie: Thanks. Try it - you get all sorts of colours. :)

Meow: Yes, we're very syncronized, aren't we? I think I'd hate those reunions. They scare me. Or maybe I've seen too many movies.

Chamki: lol the pull tab, glad you've worked it. I know what you mean by that 'what doesn't happen, doesn't happen'. But sometimes we want to insist, lol.

Mahima: Dancing is good but don't overdo it ;) This isn't the same one on Flickr, I think I like this one better :)

Christopher said...

I've been looking back a lot lately, curious as to what people are up to. In some cases it's a guilty, non-pleasure but I'm curious. I've been trying to see what certain jerks are up to, people that weren't all that good to me. Maybe i want to see if karma really exists.

Devil Mood said...

Chris: I've done that too but most people seem happy (in webpages, at least). Bugger :P But I understand what you mean, it's not exactly pleasurable.

Anonymous said...

Well at least it was only in a journal. Lately I have been seeing people in public and I can't remember their name. I just hate that feeling, especially when you are confronted by them.

Devil Mood said...

Day: Oh that's freaky, but it'd be worse if someone didn't remember our names. :( ouch!

Jen said...

Today I was thinking about memories...and how I have recently been remembering good ones that were definately "lost"...this seems to be happening as I have been doing my ABC list...thinking of the "things I like"..."favorites"...anything goes...other than the fact that it is positive...past, present, people, things, ideas...

maybe it is like a domino effect...once I think more positively...more of those positive memories(the ones that I am glad to remember, of couse;)will be "found"..

so when I thought to visit your blog...this post just "made me" want to comment. : )

--"true" friends are/were the ones we don't/can't forget....

--those who were "far from being a friend" that we remember hold some meaning for us...what?...should we hope to forget...sometimes, I think...yes.

--when good memories long forgotten, is like finding an
unexpected good fortune....

--I have been amazed about the baggage that I have carried around(also a fairly uneventful life)....sometimes quiet events....really never thought of as events...get put in the bag....only to be found later...hey, who put this (expletive)in my luggage?!

Devil Mood said...

Jen, what a great comment - thank you! I'm glad I've reached you with a common experience.
I love that idea of the domino effect, it must be true, at least it usually works the other way round (with the negative thoughts)...
All in all, our memories from our experiences are a treasure we carry around.