enlightenment

Forgive the bluntness of this short post but:

One would think that consciousness was incompatible with immaturity. You would think that, once you've gathered some experience, read, talked, thought about things a lot, that a certain wisdom would come of that. But then comes a time when you are clearly picturing yourself having the most immature set of reactions and behaviour and you feel incapable of acting any differently, no matter how wrong you know you are, no matter how much you wish you reacted distinctly but you seem to be unable to curb, ugh hate saying this, 'your nature'. So much for enlightenment...

the return of the unprodigal blogger

This or that way? Where did it go?

Here she comes with large steps, boots smeared with mud, no, not really, just your casual home wear to keep the feet warm in this cold Winter. 

Does she bring heaps of inspiration? No.

Does she have loads of blog posts just wanting to be written? Nope.

Does she have some answers for her strange behaviour of late? Yes.

Does she miss blogging? Yeaaaaah.

(I recommend this third-person dialogue, it's so liberating when you need to address yourself, try it!)

I haven't been able to blog much but I have been writing a lot. I wrote a fair bit for myself and then I wrote an even bigger chunck for educational reasons - because I had a big english exam to prepare to and I would write everyday. I can hear your cries of interrogation. "Ah english? Why would you need to study that? You write english perfectly." Well, ah, that's where you're wrong. I did have to study and I'm glad I did because every day that I wrote and did exercises I realised more and more how little I knew of english and how limited my blogging vocabulary was. I have no doubt in my mind that blogging has really helped me to practice these last few years, but it doesn't teach you how to write proposals, or complaints, or ...

I could have still used the blog to practice even further, that's true, but this obligatory writing drained me. And what is more, I've been a lot less imaginative as of late, maybe because I had to channel all the imagination to these writing tasks, but I'll tell you now - not having imagination sucks. I need to get mine back. What to do? What to do?

I appreciate that many of you still haven't given up on me, even when I used pretend-Winter posts with stuff that was written in the Summer or when I posted videos with only a quick hello. And now I'm off to enjoy my solar return and hopefully the return of my imagination as well. One can only hope.

Here but not here

I'm leaving for my holidays tomorrow. I'll be back in early October. But never fear: I'm lauching mobile blogging. Yes, it should be exciting. Best of both worlds: I will be there, but I'll also be here. I can update you on what I ate for dinner, on the UVA/UVB factor I used that afternoon, the page of the book I'm reading - all the extremely exhilarating details you won't be able to live without.

I'll be able to read your comments and reply to your e-mails so all is well with the World. :) Enjoy yourselves! I intend to.

7 deadly sins

The sin of sins: my pink delight scarf available here.

I saw this meme on Shadow's blog and I thought I had to steal it.


WRATH
1. who did you last get angry with?
My neighbours and a mosquito.

2. what is your weapon of choice?
My hands, to tap on the walls and to kill them, respectively.

3. would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If he was asking for it.

4. how about of the same sex?
I don't discriminate, so yes.

5. who was the last person who got really angry at you?
No one told me anything so I hope they're not holding secret grudges.

6. what is your pet peeve?
People that won't shut the f up.

7. do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Yes, unfortunately I've suffered from that.



SLOTH
1. what is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you don't?
Get up earlier.

2. what is the latest you've ever woken up?
Around 2pm. Yes, I know...

3. what is the last lame excuse you made?
I was kept up all night trying to catch a mosquito. Sounds lame but it's true.

4. have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
What is that? Probably not, I don't watch anything all the way through.

5. when was the last time you got in a good workout?
Beginning of the week. But I promise I'll be good next week.

6. how many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
I don't have an alarm clock.




GLUTTONY
1. what is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Overpriced? None.
2. meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Don't eat meat.

3. what is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
One or two drinks, never more than that.

4. have you ever used a professional diet company?
No.


5. do you have an issue with your weight?
No.

6. do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy?
Salty.

7. have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
What a freaky question!



LUST
1. how many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
Should I have been counting?


2. how many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
Once you've been under general anaesthetic you shouldn't think about that!!

3. have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
There are more appealing things than crotches in men.

4. have you ever kissed two people in one night?
No.

5. what is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Arms.

6. have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
No.


GREED
1. how many credit cards do you own?
One, for business reasons.


2. what's your guilty pleasure store?
E-bay in general. It's a sin.

3. would you rather be rich, or famous?
Definitely rich.

4. would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
For a while, yes!

5. have you ever stolen anything?
Yes, small things...as a kid.

6. how many MP3s are on your hard drive?
ssshhh thousands...shhhh




PRIDE
1. what's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Overcoming tough times while growing up.

2. what one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
You'll have to ask them.

3. what things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Peace.

4. do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
I used to.

5. have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Do tests count? If so, yes.

6. have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Yes, that happened too...

7. what did you do today that you're proud of?
I got my lunch ready in 5 minutes while watching something on tv, that's something lol



ENVY
1. what item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Coveting is very bad for you!

2. who would you want to go on "trading spaces" with?
Shadow mentioned a sea-view in Monaco and I'll have to agree with her.

3. if you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
No, I don't want to be anyone else. Plus if I wanted to, I couldn't.

4. have you ever been cheated on?
Can anybody prove they weren't? If I could, I would.

5. have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Of course, Heidi Klum would tell you the same thing.

6. what inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Serenity.

LISTP - News bulletin

In case you're distracted, LISTP are the innitials of devil mood's blog.

Sunday lunch - light salad.

A bulletin to let you know what's going on.

Lettuce vertigo.

devil mood has taken a liking to beer. Except it's non-alcoholic and lemon-flavoured so she thinks it doesn't count. She's in it for sugar-free bubbles.

Reading glasses.

devil mood bought huge brown sunglasses. They're good for reading, when in the sun, of course. She's currently devouring this book. It seems that devouring is the correct term for when books are this good.

Finally, devil mood has learnt how to crochet and she realised it's much more fun than knitting. She found that she could do anything in crochet, it's no wonder people have their toilet seats covered in it, as disgusting as it might be. Crochet is cool.

Note: devil mood's a little concerned that people might think fame has gone to her head and now she's speaking of herself in the third person but she's asked us to assure you that it's nothing like that.

Q&A.....and the WINNER!

you, under close inspection

PS had this little meme in her blog. 25 questions but only one word to answer each of them. Why don't you give it a go? Here's my version:



1. Your cell phone? Abandoned.
2. Your significant other? Who?
3. Your hair? Luscious.
4. Your mother? Artistic.
5. Your father? Funny.
6. Your favorite thing? Many.
7. Your dream last night? Forgotten.
8. The room you're in? Bedroom.
9. Your fear? Boredom. (oh my God, have you noticed bedroom and boredom are anagrams?! :shock:)
10. What you're not? Loud.
11. The last thing you did before logging on? Dinned.
12. Where did you grow up? Portugal.
13. Favourite drink? Tea.
14. What are you wearing? Clothes.
15. Your TV? Off.
16. Your pet? Sky.
17. Your computer ? Stylish.
18. Favourite place? Cloud9.
19. Your mood right now? Amused.
20. Missing someone? Mayyybe.
21. Something you're not wearing? Jewelry
22. Love someone? Snoopy!
23. Your favorite color? Violet.
24. Kids? Nah.
25. Your life? In-progress.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the winner (as generated by a computer draw) of my original photo is....Shadow!! Congratulations. Thank you to everyone who participated. If you didn't win, well maybe next time?

5 questions Meme

A while ago...Kimananda had a personalized meme with 5 questions. The rules are simple: you reply to the questions and then the readers may request you to ask them 5 different questions.

Here are the five questions she sent me today:

1) It's been a joy to see your interest in astrology blossom in your blog and now your new business. What I want to know is about the early days. How did you first get into astrology and what has helped you maintain your interest over time?

As many things in our lives, Astrology was a transmitted disease. My mother always enjoyed it, so the subject was never too far away from home. She had some books that I read and, even though it wasn't a constant concern of hers, it made me accept Astrology as something to explore and not look at it as nonsense. I remember always being very interested on astrologers that came up on TV and absorbing everything they said.

I guess what keeps us interested in anything is the hope that we can get more out of it than we have already. It is the case with Astrology, there was always more to read, to explore, to observe, that's why I got even more into it lately. Above all Astrology responded to my need to understand things about myself and try to deal a little better with them.

2) Speaking of new businesses, what are your hopes and dreams for your Astrology blog? Where would you like it to go, and what would you like to get out of this exciting endeavor?

I'm keeping my feet on the ground on this one, which is a first! I hope it works and this includes that people take it seriously, take me seriously and, if they decide to request my services, that they are pleasantly surprised with them, not disappointed. My goal would be to keep busy doing something I like and feeling that what I do is worth something to people - does that sound too perfect? Well, work should be like that, in my opinion.

3) Along with great thoughts on the connection between the stars and ourselves, you also accompany your posts with beautiful photographs. How would you characterize a good blog visual, and how do you decide which visuals go best with which posts?

Wow, Kim, you're not shy on the compliments ;) That's a difficult question. I think the decision about the photographs is mostly intuitive. Generally, I don't post a image that I find ugly or disturbing, even if my post is ugly or disturbing. I try to find something that is fitting to the general theme but there was a time when I always posted an image and that made it more difficult to always follow the rule.

A good blog design is pleasant to the eye (I don't mean beautiful, but easy to read), personalized and simple - too many words, links, images, stickers make it look like a very old suitcase (those are lovely but not to read in them).

4) It's clear from what you write that music is extremely important to you. What sorts of music are you longing for at this stage in your life, and why?

Oh music! :) I'm more connected to roots at this stage, folk, regional music. For example, this fantastic band from Napoli called Spaccanapoli. I love Arab music. Music with different instruments, different languages preferably, different atmospheres. And tango because I dream of Argentina. I literally daydream about it - the other day I was walking in the street and almost got caught by a car thinking about Buenos Aires. That's not me. Not me at all.

5) I couldn't help but notice the Magician in your blog header, which of course reminds me that tarot is also one of your interests. Do you have a particular card that most resonates with you? If so, why? If not, would you like to have one?

Yes, I do! How do you know? It's the High Priestess from the Mythic Tarot (seen above). This deck mixes the cards with Ancient Myths and the H.P. is Persephone. I don't know exactly why I identify with her but she looks a bit like me physically and it's a card about the unconscious, the under world. How it contains both darkness and creative potential. She is the part of us that knows the secrets of our inner world, but she never tells. I like it.

Thanks for the questions, Kim! Now does anyone desire to be questioned? I'll be glad to.

Happy New Year

Here's a fantastic end of the year Meme I found on Novel Nymph's blog. It's fantastic if you want to recap on the year that ends today. Let's do this, people!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
I wrote a film script, I learnt Tarot, I did readings for people...that was odd.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No, never!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My sweet dog died.

5. What countries did you visit?
Apart from my own, none. But do you mean physically? I went to a lot of places with the power of my imagination.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
So many things; a whole different mindset would be welcomed.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I remember the day we had to take my dog to go to sleep. It was the worst day of the year.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Coming up with a small career plan that I will implement in the New Year. Just the fact that I'm trying something new is quite the accomplishment.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I should've grown up a tad more.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, I was fortunately really healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Bank investments.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My football team Porto, for being champions once again.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
George W. Bush.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Books.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
A lot of things: dancing, music, writing, men...

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Three songs have marked my year: Tired of Being Sorry, by Ringside; Fools in Love by Inara George and Ojos Asi by Shakira.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
I'm definitely happier, probably fatter and richer ;)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Simply different things, doesn't really matter which. My year was very homogenous in my activities.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Pondering obsessively about my inner issues, when it doesn't lead me anywhere.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Lots of family, food and a warm fireplace.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes, a few times. You mean "really" fall in love? No, but I should never lose hope of that happening.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Sopranos and all its brilliance.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Fortunately no. I think I'm being more mature about this stuff now.

24. What was the best book you read?
The book I enjoyed the most was called Sleep with me, by Joanna Briscoe.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pink Martini - the best band EVER! Where were they before? Where was I? We were meant to be together forever.

26. What did you want and get?
My Zen mp3 player, which is very simple but makes me really happy. Thanks Dad ;)

27. What did you want and not get?
Oh the list I could make...but wanting is the devir of life (the devir is the force, the energy behind life, in portuguese at least!), it makes the world go 'round and if you got everything you wanted, the world would stop.


28. What was your favorite film of this year?
It was an argentinian film called Roma. It was stunning, I cried like a baby.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 24 and I had visitors and had tea and little cakes. And I watched a film called Puccini for beginners.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had a personality transplant, my year would've been different...

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Comfy, leg-warmers in the winter, black velour trousers, my beautiful bikinis in the summer ;)

32. What kept you sane?
Blogging, Astrology and most of all...DANCING!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh, my crushes are top secret....

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
World affairs in general, especially the ones connected to the environment and everything politics are NOT doing for us.

35. Who did you miss?
I miss my dog. I miss some friends that I lost contact with.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Finding someone who shares many interests with you and that you can talk to using a common language is very special. I've met special people this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Things can get a whole lot better once you've slept through an entire night.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
The best New Year song is called Next Year Baby (Jamie Cullum)

Resolutions, baby, they come and go

Will I do any of these things?

The answers probably no

If there’s one thing I must do,

despite my greatest fears

I’m gonna say to you, how I felt all of these years

Next Year

Happy New Year blog friends :)

I'll be back next year with surprises. It's a promise.

tribute to me

I'm reaching a certain age when you start to call yourself a twenty-something, simply because the numbers aren't so exciting all of a sudden.
The years start accumulating and suddenly you have a lot of birthdays to remember. I remember my 6th birthday most of all. I fell on the floor in the playground and shred my stockings. I played Barbies with a friend all afternoon and got a really cool yellow recorder with a microphone. It was my favourite toy for years to come. Then I remember little bits of other celebrations. I never liked to do much fuss about it but there was always a certain magic in the air on birthdays that made me feel that anything was possible. Maybe it was just a load of Sagittarius...

Most of the birthdays I remember were sunny days, lucky me! The forecast is sunny for tomorrow too and to brighten up my day even more I'm posting Jamie Cullum's Twentysomething because it's the best description of this age that I've ever come across.

The video is excellent because it helps illustrate the song, instead of trying to distract us from it (like many do these days).

If you want to sing along, here's the words:

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
but the World don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.

I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love that could solve it all,
philosophers say that that’s enough,
there surely must be more.

Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
the truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.

I surrender

Okay, okay.

The lie was no. 8, as some of you guessed correctly. I'm not a cake-person. I'd rather have fruit, though sometimes I have my sweet-tooth days. And I do eat a considerable amount of chocolate, just not too much.

The last few days I've surrendered to:

- Agatha Cristie's Poirot - the films. Mademoiselle, Madame, Monsieur...

- Liz Greene's book "Relating" - amazing mix of psychoanalysis and astrology.

- Emmental cheese - no comments necessary.

- US Open - I didn't know this was the tournament with the loudest, most excited crowd. Now I do. :)

- Spanish guitars.

How about you? Do you surrender to anything?

Where would I be without tags?

Novel and Dharmabum had this tag on their blogs and they've suggested I did it too. I'm supposed to write nine things about myself, one of which is a lie. And you'll have to guess which one it is.
I honestly don't think I can come with 9 new things about me that you don't already know, but I'm making an effort.

1. I can't lie. I don't know why! I could, I really could. Lying is all about the detail, it's easy, I write a lot of stories. But there's something inside of me that aches when I try to lie, so I don't do it. (I have lied for the purpose of saving other people's feelings, but I still felt terrible).

2. I'm an anti-intellectual. I hate the whole bunch of them. Even though I am interested in books, literature, art and performance...I don't like these obvious people that go to the museum looking at the catalog, that visit shows just to say they were there, that take the newspaper and the Sunday sections and a bunch of trendy books to the cafe-shop to show the world how much they read.

3. I need to be alone several hours a day (and not just to sleep). It's the Greta Garbo syndrome - "I vant to be alone!" - I've investigated and I found out that she had a 12th house Moon like me, indicating this exact necessity of solitude. I like people, I do, but they just exhaust me so much that I need to be alone to be balanced again.

4. There are places far-away from where I live and which I've never visited, yet I feel like I know them and I can feel what it is like to live there, in the present and in previous eras. Is this vivid imagination, intuition, past-lives or lunacy? ;)

5. I promised a friend of mine that I would get a football shirt from Argentina if a certain player didn't leave our team. I hate promises but you don't kid around with them...

6. I signed in to Arts school in high school but I changed my inscription to another course before the classes even started. My Arts teacher had told me to join the area because of a single piece I had done at school, but she must've been blind if she thought I'd be any good at it.

7. I dream of having a little garden with a place to plant things and have breakfast beneath the sun in the morning.

8. I have a total cake-obsession. I can't walk past a pastry shop without trying something, chocolate things being my favourites, of course.

9. My head's been so busy with learning new things that hours fly by and I don't even notice. There's not enough hours in the day for me to absorb everything I want to absorb. I never want to stop learning and I especially don't want to think I have nothing else to learn.

Now you!! Yes, you! I'll tell you about my false-truth later.

I think I've started many posts and they all ended up being deleted. Nothing was significant enough to be posted. I never wanted this blog to turn into something trivial and boring.

Then I realized that I was in such a demanding mode I might never blog again. I think this might be one of those crisis writers go through. I still don't want it to be fickle and common, but I'll have to take a chance.

I'm watching Before Sunrise on TV. I'm not one to watch films lots of times, but I've seen this one about 3 times. I'm sure I'll watch it again in the future because every time I do I cling on to something different that they said, I have a different feeling about what they went through. I hope to have a different feeling when I watch it in three or four years time.

I have to confess there is a part in my script that is similar to this film, but I really didn't notice it until I had all my ideas planned out - I guess it's one of those things that sticks to your unconscious because they ring so true and so perfect. But the ideas are there: two strangers meet in a big city - a brief encounter that becomes so meaningful. Unlikely, I know, but not impossible.

But my script isn't all just one night, so I could never put the amount of themes and feelings they managed to include in this night in Vienna. Some dialogues (and monologues) are simply magical. That is what I call a good script.

CELINE
So often in my life I've been with people and shared beautiful moments like traveling or staying up all night and watching the sunrise, and I knew it was a special moment, but something was always wrong. I wished I'd been with someone else. I knew that what I was feeling - exactly what was so important to me - they didn't understand. But I'm happy to be with you. You couldn't possibly know why a night like this is so important to my life right now, but it is. I think this is a great morning.
...
JESSE
I've never been anywhere I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. I've never been to the movies when I wasn't in the audience or gone out bowling when I wasn't around making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously. It's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. (...) But being with you it's made me feel like I was somebody else. I mean the only other way to lose yourself like that is, you know, dancing or alcohol or drugs, or stuff like that.

random facts alert

Lovely Preeti, also known as PS, tagged me to write 8 random facts about myself. That is not new because, when I think of it, most of the things I write in this blog are random. It's not as if I make a lot of sense most of the time. But bear with me on this one and, who knows?, you might learn something useless.

#1 I love making CDs for people. Music is something that moves me so much that I can't keep it all to myself, so I need to share it. And sometimes people make CDs for me too, like the one I got today from DaybyDay with a fantastic personalized cover and CD art. Isn't that neat? I love it :)

#2 I've been a bad vegetarian since I was 15. I say bad because I never stopped eating fish altogether. I wanted to but people thought I was insane enough as it was, so I had to make a compromise. Otherwise I'd literally starve in any portuguese restaurant.

#3 As you know, I love books. I've been loving books forever. I remember having lunch while reading the Famous Five (those books made me really hungry - did that happen to you?) simply because I couldn't stop reading. I'm not so bookish anymore but I'm always reading something and when I know I'll be having a boring time, I count on books to entertain me. By the way, please suggest some books for my summer, okay? Please!

#4 The first boy I had a crush on (that started the long and endless list of crushes in my life) looked like a young, still mentally-sane Tom Cruise (these were the days of Top Gun). I wrote him a letter, which I believe he never read (thank God for that...). I remember he used to wear a really nice dark blue jacket.

#5 Hands are very important to me. They seem to have a life of their own when you're observing people, so I always notice them more than other things. My friend the Surfer Girl taught me that hands can reflect our sun sign too. For instance, Fire signs tend to make your hands look like flames, when your pinky finger is much shorter than the others and your middle finger bigger. As you can see, mine obbey that rule:

And so do Nelly Furtado's, who is a typical Sagittarius like me...haha (I know this isn't a random fact about me, but ...learn from it, I won't last forever ;)

#6 These hands that people call midwife's hands (because they're so narrow that they can help bring babies into the world) or pianist hands (because of the long fingers) went to piano lessons one day. The lessons were given by an old lady living in a tiny decrepit house with a red door. The hands first learnt a song without the musical notes; this song that, the old lady used to say, aaaalll her other students played much, much faster. And then the hands tried to be smart and learn all the other songs by ear, without having to look at the notes. When the fingers missed a note the old lady's hands would step in and cover the hands to guide them sloppily through the keys. I didn't last very long in my piano lessons.

#7 These hands were never good at drawing or painting, leaving the owner a little heartbroken since many members of her family were very artistic.

#8 My family is huge. For instance, today I was listening to some news on the radio and listened to a distant cousin being interviewed, out of nowhere. My family seems to be everywhere at all times, spread in various activities, having many stories to tell...I don't know what it is that they have.

Oh I was supposed to tag 8 people! I don't like to be bossy so I'll leave to you to decide if you want to do it or not.

Summer has arrived, at last.

The insomnia is back, this time connected to the creative process. I've heard of so many writers tortured by their characters at night and now I'm living it. It's so uncanny that something imaginary can make you feel so many things (excitement, worry, struggle, torture, pleasure...). At this early stage I have a twinkle in my eye, especially when ideas come suddenly from out of nowhere. But deep down there is a constant pressure, a voice that criticizes me being excited about something that isn't real, shouldn't I be more concerned about more concrete things in my life? It's the Saturn Neptune opposition in the sky - reality vs. dreams and imagination.

But I've decided to this, so this voice will have to keep quiet for the moment. I need to do this for myself.

In the meantime I'm reading this book - The Seach for Sana. Unfortunately Middle Eastern issues are never outdate, especially now with what's happening in Lebanon. How can all of this still be going on? Is there no solution whatsoever? The book is part-fictional, part-real and it's funny to read it because I actually met the writer personally, he lives in my town, even though he's from New York.

meme from Chloe

A meme came to rescue me from my lack of inspiration. Thanks to Chloe. None of the questions look particularly interesting to me, but that's the challenge - it's the answers that can make it fun.

1. The phone rings; whom do you want it to be? Someone from the phone company telling me my phone will be cut off, I hate phones.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Mais oui! When there isn't a coin in there, there is a plastic piece in the shape of a coin that is always useful. What else was I supposed to do? Put the cart inside the car boot?

3. If you had to kiss again the last person you kissed, would you? Je ne regrette rien!! (pardon my french)

4. Do you take compliments well? What's cute? This old thing? I've had for years! It makes me look fat! Oh, my hair is a mess! Don't look at my pores...

5. Do you play Sudoku? I've been sober for almost a year now, but I was addicted. Time flies when you're playing and ironically I loved it more when I had tons of things to do.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? I'd freak out, I might survive physically, but I would be a lunatic for the rest of my life, like little Victor in that Truffaut film, L'enfant Sauvage (here I go again!).

7. Do you like nipple rings? Please, no! I don't like most piercings.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Please, I'm traumatized enough. lol

9. If a sexy person were pursuing you, but you knew he/she were married what would you do? Well, half of marriages end in divorce, right? hahaha No, I'm sorry. Marriage should be sacred, if a person isn't respecting those vows, I wouldn't want to marry him, which doesn't mean that I wouldn't listen to his reasons.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Of course I could. I'm very open-minded about religion. As long as it didn't mean I'd have to wear a veil or never go out of the house - my personal freedom could never be compromised.

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? Isn't pursue a very strong word? I prefer stalking LOL But I definitely don't like being stalked.

12. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment: Sleepy, lazy, slow.

13. Do any songs make you cry? Could you rephrase that: what songs DON'T make you cry?

14. Are you continuing your education? I'd rather be dead than stop learning. Learning is my life - I'm a Sagittarius :)

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun? Why would I know that? I live in Portugal.

16. If your house were on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? Yes, Chloe, my computer would be my first thing too. But isn't it stupid? Why grab something digital? There is no smell or touch in the computer. It is useful but almost meaningless.

17. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? I can't remember. I don't like sharing beds with people, I'm afraid.

18. Whom do you text the most? My friend, the surfer girl, and you don't want to read those messages!

19. Favorite children’s books? The Malory Towers by Enid Blyton :) sweeet

20. What do you buy at the movies? I like chocolate.

21. Do you know how to play poker? I want to learn that!

22. Do you wear your seat belt? Are you insane? Of course!! It's not only safe, but it's cheaper when the police comes.

Feel free to consider yourself tagged!

all aboard?

I read something on an astrology blog that made me think. It suggested that, due to some kind of planetary situation, this was the best of times to get rid of old myths we have about ourselves.

This is something that I've been thinking about lately when I came to the conclusion that much of my pessimism about my life has no logical reason to exist, especially not astrologically. I'm supposed to be an optimistic, joyful kind of person...so why do I, namely, look at any love interest as another opportunity to fail and get hurt?

Sometimes we have bad experiences in the past and that leads us to think that we will suffer again; other times people tell us (verbally or not) things about ourselves that we think are true, they tell us we're not good enough for something, that our goals are too high, that there is something deeply wrong or incapacitating in you; other times we just assume things about ourselves, while we compare ourselves to others, while we consult "specialists of the soul" that diagnose some kind of fault that we'll never get rid of.

And we drag these ideas into our daily lives, we see ourselves in the eyes of those people, or in our judging, critical eyes. We don't dare to test these ideas, we just try to get round them and avoid confrontation. We shift, we adapt.

The other day Mariel Hemingway talked in the Oprah show and she said something that struck a chord: she mentioned that for most of her life she felt miserable inside her own skin because there was always a voice inside of her that kept telling her "You're not skinny enough", "You're not pretty enough", "You're not talented enough", etc. Until one day she stopped and realized if there was someone in her life that kept telling her those things, she wouldn't want to be friends with that person, so she "decided" to discard that voice that always made her miserable. That sounds like a major breakthrough to me.

Incidentally yesterday on Oprah they were talking about that book that everyone went to buy (and a DVD too, I think) "The Secret" - I think that's marketing crap, self-help books are all the same but they mentioned interesting things, making me focus even more on these crystallized ideas. This is not new but I do believe that negative ideas attract more negativity, whilst thinking on the positive side, idealizing what you want will bring those things to you - this is not magical thinking - the truth is if you think about your wishes everyday, consistently, you will act to get them.

This is the time to shake these preconceptions off you and think positive - agreed? Every day is a new day and you can try again.

the baggage

"Many" years in the bag, only one of me

This week has been a roller-coaster of emotional memories.

I'm amazed at the amount of baggage someone with a fairly uneventful life can have. And I don't mean just the emotional baggage you carry to your relationships and your life (you do carry it, don't pretend you enter every experience like it's the first one you have), but also the baggage that means experience, not necessarily maturity, but certainly a huge amount of memories to look back at.

All of this came when I decided to dig up some people from my past and see what they were up to. I first remembered a boy from my school that I hadn't seen in a while and I ended up checking dozens of people, some I hadn't seen for almost 10 years, even though we live in the same city. It was surprising, painful at times, interesting. Even though I knew some of them weren't 14 year-olds anymore, I was amazed at how much everyone changed. I must've changed too, but I'm not sure I changed that much. Bigger faces, same distinctive traits, but it was a really odd experience altogether. Others belonged to a more recent past, but some of their lives were also tranformed in an amazing way.

As I was trying to remember things that had happened, I came across several blanks in my memory, which were very strange because I always thought of myself as having a great memory. My biggest weapon to rescue little details were the journals that I used to write, or even my diary and I'm sure that if I hadn't written these things many would be lost forever. There were people that were mentioned in those journals that I don't remember at all and that was freaky; imagine reading something like "I was at a café and talked to someone for most of the night" - the person's name isn't mentioned and there's no other registry of that person...and I don't remember anything! Who is this person?!Well, maybe I shouldn't have journals at all, that way I'd forget it and move on. (I'm kidding, I like the journals, most of them, at least.)

A trip down memory lane may seem a little useless, but in this case it wasn't that at all. This was very useful to me, to get some perspective over the people that I've come across, to understand their place in my life, to look at things without fear or rejection. I understood some of the cycles, some of the ups and downs, I recognized the beginning of some things and the ending of others - much like the Wheel of Fortune card in Tarot - most things in life are cyclical and temporary.

I felt like time had flown over me and the years gone by without a single warning. I wanted to get back to some things and leave others behind forever. I wanted to get in touch with some people that I'd left behind and let others be. Time is an amazing thing; an amazing teacher, as well, which doesn't mean I won't be making the same mistakes over and over again. Mr. Time, Cronos, or Saturn, whatever you want to call it. Will I ever learn what you want me to learn?

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

(Beatles - In my life - what else, really?)

Here's a photo you haven't seen

qué hace un escritor más que construirse una realidad alternativa para huir de
la presente? (Y en la categoría de escritor incluyo también a las novelistas
inéditas y as periodistas con ínfulas.)

Lucía Etxebarria in "Un milagro en
equilibrio"

This is my favourite writer's take on writing. She says: "What does a writer do apart from constructing an alternative reality to escape the present one? (And in the category of writer I include also the unpublished writers and the pretentious journalists)". (The quote is in Spanish, not Portuguese. We don't use Ys in our language, just so you know ;))

This is the thing about writing that makes me ponder the most. It's also probably the thing that puts the brakes on my creativity. I don't want to feel like I'm running away when I'm writing, but the truth is...it's this escape, this complete freedom and power to write anything you want that makes it so fulfilling and exciting, isn't it?

There was a time in my life when I didn't write fiction. I was really focused on my daily life and writing was about organizing my ideas and feelings, put it all to paper, in hopes that it would give me some solutions. It was about releasing the tension, sharing everything I felt with the notebook and it worked. I always felt better after I wrote. I needed it like exercising. It was also the time when my writing muscle was better - I wrote better than I do now, maybe it was the intense practice.

Fiction is different. Generally it is more pleasant, while journals are necessarily a bit painful. Fiction takes more of my time, as there are constant dialogues in my head until I go to sleep. Most of the ideas appear when I'm busy doing something practical and never when I'm in front of the computer screen. Then I run to write them down.

I'm divided between loving it and cursing it. Between looking at it as a hobby and taking it seriously. Between thinking it's a healthy pleasure and a thing of the devil. ;)

Sometimes days just pass quickly, so quickly that it seems there wasn't even enough time to produce a single original thought. I seem to be immersed in the sea of routine things and thoughts, having no energy to detached myself from it and create something different. And without an original, different thought, I cannot post. I can, but I don't want to. It's not fair on anyone, especially not on my carefully woven blog. (lol)

My choice of words is not random here - I usually blame all this fuzziness on my Neptune and, you may know, Neptune is the roman god of the seas - that's why I feel "immersed". Seas are usually deep, mysterious and you can rarely see their bottom - before I say they're a bit like me, what I mean to say is that these characteristics are also present in Neptune. Unless you're on the shore and the water is very shallow, there is a lack of transparency and clarity in the water and that's what happens with Neptune - it can confuse, illude and make you see things that aren't exactly there, though most of the times you can't really see anything very clearly. The same thing happens if you look at the surface of the planet - what could be behind all of that blueness? It's hard to tell, if you're not an astronomer, that is.

Of course we all have a Neptune and we're not all deluded and head-on-the clouds individuals, thank God. Thank Saturn too, the specialist in clarity and reality that makes us bang our heads in the walls so often. Saturn who is incidentally Neptune's father in mythology. What makes my Neptune stand out is that it's right next to my Sun, so when it comes to knowing who I am, what I want, what I represent...hmmm...who am I? Oh, look a butterfly! Oh look a fluffy cloud! Oh I don't think I like this...I thought I did but I'm not sure. Do I have to make up my mind now? Oh this really isn't what I expected it to be.

If you've ever been disappointed, that was Neptune. Blame it on him. If you ever had insomnia, that was probably Neptune too - sometimes I have trouble falling asleep because there's a total confusion in my mind and I get in a state of pre-sleep that I can't get out of. If you're a little psychic or you have a strong intuition, you can find the source in Neptune. Or maybe you're a deeply spiritual person - Neptune deals with all of these. And maybe you don't believe in anything astrological, but then you're a sceptic, nothing to do with Neptune.

Fortunately, Neptune is a big planet and an important mythical image, so it can also be responsible for music, psychology and psychoanalysis - a tight connection between the unconscious and the deep seas, all kinds of addiction...in general, there is a connection to all the altered states of the mind, be it daydreaming, sleeping, confusion, being under anaesthetics or mind-altering drugs. And, before you ask: are you on drugs or why have you presented such an astrology-bound post? No, nothing like that! But I do feel even more sleepy than when I started....

Confused? Well, blame Neptune and join the club!

Three

This man was selling roasted chestnuts this afternoon downtown.

Okay, this is a meme that Niall tagged me to do. It's supposed to be funny but it's not coming out that great, so please enjoy another picture from Porto.

3 things you should know about the number '3':
1. It's a sacred number for many religions.
2. The number of houses I've lived in while in Porto.
3. Not much, three is either too much or too little for me, I'm afraid.

3 things that scare me:
1. Rollercoasters.
2. Illness.
3. Loneliness.

3 people who make me laugh:
1. Alistair McGowan and his impressions.
2. A friend of mine from school that always had a way to make me laugh until my belly hurt.
3. Many of my family members and friends, thank goodness.

3 things I love:
1. My lovely, beautiful, magnificent club FC Porto
2. (almost) All kinds of music and the dancing you can do with it.
3. Nature.

3 things I hate:
1. Pollution.
2. Ignorance.
3. Lack of respect for other people.

3 things I don't understand:
1. Quantum physics.
2. Chinese, russian, polish, etc...
3. How Porto's goalkeeper Helton didn't save that ball from Robben :(

3 things on my desk:
1. Postcards.
2. A bar of chocolate called 'Wafer dream" - sounds promising!
3. An array of writing material.

3 things I'm doing right now:
1. At this precise moment? Writing a meme.
2. Listening to a brazilian singer called Ive Mendes.
3. Making a mental list of the teams that went out in the Champions League.

3 things I want to do before I die:
1. Write a novel (thanks for reminding me, Niall) and a good one, of course.
2. Accept the fact that someone might actually love me as much as I love them.
3. Go places, in all kinds of ways.

3 things I can do:
1. Dance non-stop.
2. Take 'ok' photographs.
3. Memorize all sorts of song lyrics, even when I don't want to.

3 Things you should never listen to:
1. Nu-metal.
2. People that approach you on the street and say: "can you spare me a minute?" And you know it's not just a minute they want.
3. A pig getting slaughtered. It's the worst sound in the world.

3 things I'd like to learn
1. How to feel good about myself no-matter-what.
2. More about Astrology - I'm doing this already.
3. More about religion(s), its history and principles.

3 favourite foods
1. Greek food, absolutely. The last thing I ate with honey and cheese still makes my mouth water when I think about it.
2. Lasagna, meatfree :)
3. In general: cheese!

If you're funnier than me, you're tagged!